When Once Means Once
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I hope my English is OK enough to print. I am a pretty attractive guy in my 20s. I come here from Eastern Europe and I work at a local restaurant. I love it here and I meet a lot of guys. Sometimes I will get to know somebody and will go home with him because he is nice, or because he is attracted to me and I want him to be happy, though he might not be my type. The problem is that these guys call me back or want to get together and I have to some way tell them that it was a “one time thing” because I liked him or maybe felt sorry for him. Some get mad and never talk to me again. I try to be nice to make friends, but it never works out that way.
Dr. Hurd replies:
Your English is fine, but your guilty feelings aren’t. Everybody knows the risks of having sex with someone soon after meeting them. I’m not talking about disease; I’m talking about getting feelings hurt or being disappointed. We risk disappointment when we do anything. That’s what makes the times we’re not disappointed so special!
Stop feeling guilty for what you can’t control. You don’t have to take care of everybody.
However, I do wonder why you go to bed with somebody so quickly and then regret it. I’m not being moralistic or preachy. If it’s casual sex you want, then fine. But don’t do it and then regret the consequences. If you don’t like the results you’re getting from these experiences, then have fewer of them.
Everyone is different. People look for different things at different points in their lives. You might meet someone who wants a serious and committed relationship when you’re only looking for a few hours of fun. Perhaps you should get this out in the open early on. What’s the worst that can happen? If the guy is looking for more than a few hours of fun, then he’ll be right to reject the opportunity to just “play.” And you won’t have to feel guilty later. If he says that’s all he wants, then you know you’re both on the same page. It’s a win-win, and nobody feels guilty or gets hurt.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My girlfriend and I are friends with a couple of women who have six cats in their house. We like having them over for dinner (the girls, not the cats), but we live in fear that they’re going to try to reciprocate. We have no problem with cats, but their cats walk all over the kitchen counters—even their food bowls are up there. The whole thing is just gross. Cat hair is everywhere. We’re running out of excuses to not eat over there. Is there a way to still be friends with them, but not eat cat hair?
Dr. Hurd replies:
You have three choices: (1) When invited, turn them down gently and give the honest reason. That will certainly end all future invitations, and hopefully not your friendship. (2) When invited, turn them down gently and make up a reason. This will work until they finally confront you and ask for the real reason. Then tell them the truth (this only delays the inevitability of #1). (3) Just go, and be as prudent and observant as you can while eating.
So far you’ve been able to evade an invitation. This leaves open the possibility for some preventative work. Maybe you mention in passing that you were at somebody’s house and there was cat hair in your food, or that their cat was walking on the counter where they prepared your food. Maybe they’ll get the hint, though they might not, because you’re asking them to do something for you that they obviously see no need to do for themselves.
In order to decide what you fear more, try this: On a scale of one to ten, how much does it bother you to eat food prepared where the cats frolic? Be honest. Now, also on a scale of one to ten, how much does it bother you to be straightforward with them and risk the possibility of losing them as friends? Then compare the scores.
Speaking for myself, I’m not thrilled with the idea of animal hair (and who knows what else) in my food. I’d like to think that people would clean the counter and remove the cat bowls before preparing food. If they don’t, then frankly that’s where I draw the line. In the end, I’d be gently honest about the real reason for not coming. If they end the friendship, then that’s the risk I took.
Those are my personal limits. You are entitled to set your own, and for goodness sake don’t be afraid to do so. Life’s too short to eat cat hair and make yourself miserable at the same time. Pick one or the other.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email Dr Hurd.