Head Over Heels in Jumbo Puppy Love
We may have to put Zak, our 10-month-old Shih Tzu, on a diet. No he’s not overweight. In fact he’s well proportioned for his body mass. It’s just that his mass is extraordinarily large and long for his breed—and that’s making life increasingly complicated both for the pup and us humans, who a few short months ago thought we were bringing home a traditional lap dog.
The new mantra around our house is, “Stop the growth!” But every morning Zak proudly saunters out of his crate a few millimeters longer than he went in the night before. In fact, he now barely fits inside the crate, which was cavernous to him as recently as Christmas. (We borrowed it from a friend who had used it for her German Shepherd.) “Zakarie, please don’t stretch,” John begs as the dog extends his torso across the carpet, limbering up for another day in his life-is-good universe.
John and I have practical reasons (aside from our grocery budget) to be concerned about Zak’s unceasing growth spurts. One of them is travel. We’ve always been able to take driving vacations with our small dogs, and it was easy to hit the road with our last Shih Tzu, Nikki. The breed is pretty much universally welcome at pet-friendly hotels and inns—but it generally maxes out at about 14 pounds. Our youngster is already pushing 25 pounds, and that’s the top weight load many accommodations will tolerate—at least without a very steep deposit or nonrefundable fee.
Meanwhile, at Zak’s favorite small dog park people are beginning to tease him, saying we should have named him “Longfellow” and referring to him as a “Teacup St. Bernard.” (Actually I was the first to describe his breed as such but didn’t know it would catch on so widely). I don’t mind the jokes, but our poor young lad may soon be formally banished from the bustling small-breeds park and forced to play in an adjacent (rarely used) tract set aside for medium-size dogs between 25-50 pounds. This is a serious problem for Zak because he was a tiny 13-week-old when he started going to the park, and all of his life-long canine friends are petite. Now, many of their owners gasp whenever happily romping Zak plows into or rolls onto their precious little (normal-size) Shih Tzus, Daschunds and Bichons. Not that the mini-dogs give a rat-terrier’s ass about Zak’s size: All of them adore him; some even like to grab onto his ear and let Zak drag them for a romp through the grass. He’s the life of the party, but an increasing number of the dog-park people are shaking their heads and whispering about “the lumbering Bubba.”
Fortunately, Zak has as sweet a temperament and pleasant a personality as any dog we’ve ever known and we would never consider swapping him for a “normal” exemplar of his breed. We would, however, like to have several inches and at least 10 pounds surgically removed from him. That’s not only so he can continue to frolic with his friends in the park and gain admittance to motels; it’s also because if he gains much more weight I won’t be able to lift him. I’m not a kid anymore, and there are plenty of situations when it’s useful to be able to scoop up a stubborn Shih Tzu. For example, when he’s out on his morning walks and spies a mouth-watering pile of his favorite delicacy: kitty truffles.
Perhaps a further complication of his weight, Zak’s brain seems programmed to regulate a body the length of a regular Shih Tzu rather than one longer than a yardstick. When our pup leaps onto a chair, often his hindquarters don’t follow with him. Or his rump flops off the edge of the seat and the remainder of his long body plops back to the floor. He seems surprised when that happens to him.
Similarly, at the dog park, where most of the humans sit around gossiping in lawn chairs while the animals frolic, Zak tries to emulate his lapdog peers, suddenly hurling himself into my groin like the little Yorkies and Chihuahuas do to their owners. Unfortunately, at Zak’s weight, he often sends my plastic chair toppling, propelling me head over heels into the dirt. That makes many of the small-dog park people chortle unkindly.
Doesn’t matter. So what if I’m head over heels over Zakarie? I haven’t been seriously injured yet, and we plan to have the last laugh. Several websites host competitions for the world’s largest Shih Tzu. Talk show hosts Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos believe that their Chewy deserves the honors, but he’s not much over 30 pounds—and he’s fully grown. A couple other contenders weigh in at 35 or more. But, based on the still-growing size of Zak’s paws and his undiminished capacity for elongation, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that he will pass them all by late summer. Then we’ll be listed in the Guinness Book of World Records and we’ll produce a video that will go viral and we’ll start making TV commercials. Before long Zakarie Longfellow will be able to buy his own dog park—and a big RV for road trips.
Update: Last issue I wrote about the increasing number of gay characters on television and the current season of some of their shows. In the four weeks since, there have been some fascinating developments. On Fox’s Glee, Kurt and Blaine finally kissed, and what a lip-lock (actually two) it was. The longer kiss lasted more than 10 seconds, and the camera focused closely on the action throughout. Good for Kurt, good for Glee.
On Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing, we learned that a second of the three featured real estate sellers is gay. In addition to Madison Hildebrand (who came out on camera last year), 25-year-old Josh Flagg is now free from the closet. Previously unrevealed to the show’s viewers, Josh has had a boyfriend, Colton, for quite some time. Cute Colton, who appeared in the season’s final two episodes last month, was instrumental in persuading Josh to put aside his fears and let viewers (as well as readers of Flagg’s forthcoming biography) learn the entire story of his life.
And MTV’s Skins ended the season with lesbian character Tea, who had briefly had an unsatisfactory heterosexual fling, climbing into the hospital bed of her injured girlfriend. Perfect.
Bill Sievert’s comic mystery novel “Sawdust Confessions” is available at amazon.com and other internet booksellers. Email Bill Sievert.