Peeking is a Lose/Lose, plus Hooked on Shopping
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for seven years. Long story short, I’m beginning to suspect he’s either seeing somebody else, or “hooking up” with other guys behind my back. He’s pulling away from me, and acts secretive about his text messages and email.
I could relieve my fears one way or another by sneaking a look at his texts and emails. Obviously I would have to do that without his knowledge. I know it’s dishonest, but it’s driving me crazy. Do the ends justify the means?
Dr. Hurd replies,
OK. Let’s stand back and take a look at this. If you peek at his electronic messages, one of two things will happen. First, you might find no evidence of anything. Your doubts will remain, and you’ll feel like a sneak on top of it. Or, you’ll find evidence of something—evidence, although maybe not proof. You’ll confront him, and he’ll turn the issue into why you were peering into his emails. In short, you’ll accomplish nothing, other than adding to an already stressful situation.
The only thing you know for sure is that he’s backing away from you emotionally. So that’s the real issue. Relationships exist to satisfy both partners. When either one becomes dissatisfied, the relationship is in trouble. If you care about him and he becomes unhappy, then you’re upset. And vice-versa. So if you tell him exactly what you told me in your question, then we’d expect him to be upset and want to work with you to do something about it.
His reaction will tell you much more than his emails and texts. If he gets hostile and defensive, then you probably hit a nerve. If he reacts with hurt, but offers other explanations and wants to improve things with you, then he might not be guilty of anything deceptive.
Sometimes people back away for reasons that have nothing to do with cheating. Give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him if there’s something bothering him. If he continues to be evasive and dissatisfying, then tell him frankly that you wonder if there’s something going on.
If the problem persists, tell him that you honestly want to check behind his back to see if anything is going on. Tell him you haven’t, but that you want to. And that your preference would be to have a relationship where you don’t have to feel like doing that. Ask him if he’s willing to help you resolve those feelings.
You have to place the ball squarely in his court. If you sneak around and allow him to be the victim, you’re not going to get anywhere.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I love my girlfriend, and love seeing her happy. Unfortunately, one of the things that makes her happiest is buying stuff. She’s a little compulsive. Our attic, basement, and garage are filling up with things (some of them big!) that we have no room for, or, worse yet, old things she replaced with new things she bought. Buying makes her so happy. What can I do without hurting her feelings or appearing unsupportive?
Dr. Hurd replies,
Tell her that you’re taking on a project to clean the garage (or the attic or the basement). Point out that you notice she has a lot of things in there that she no longer uses. Tell her—don’t wait; simply tell her—that you’re going to sort out a pile of things to be given away, and a pile of things for disposal. Be open to comments and suggestions, but don’t give her a choice about the fact that some things must go.
As it stands, you’re refusing to rock the boat. The problem with refusing to rock the boat is that nothing will change. You can’t say, “I don’t want all this clutter,” and then at the same time, say, “I don’t want to hurt her feelings.” Your goals are contradictory. You have to decide which is more important: not hurting her feelings, or not living with the clutter. You’re never going to have both.
True compulsive shoppers are more hooked on the shopping than they are on the things they buy. Chances are, your girlfriend would agree with that. She might say something like, “I don’t know why I buy all these things I hardly use.” If she gets testy, remind her that these things are just taking up space. You’re not trying to trample on her enjoyment; you’re trying to clear up space.
Loving somebody means supporting who they are, but not necessarily everything they do. You’re not being supportive by pretending her problem isn’t a problem. You didn’t mention any issues with money, but the same thing applies. She’s choosing to spend money on things that you don’t value and that she doesn’t value enough to enjoy after she buys them. How supportive is she being by doing this?
The relationship is out of balance because your girlfriend is not in balance. Spending on what you don’t enjoy isn’t healthy. By having the moxie to rock the boat, you’ll be helping her, not hurting her.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to Dr Hurd.