None of Your Business, plus I love you. Get out.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I work at a retail store in my home town. There’s another employee there who is a retired businessman whom I know lives comfortably and doesn’t really need that job. I do need that job. I feel like the owner of the store should give me more hours and, when there’s an open day, choose me over him, since it’s obvious he doesn’t really need the money. I’m angry about this all the time. How can I convince the owner to give me more work time, since I deserve it?
Dr. Hurd replies:
First of all, you’re not the owner. The owner is the one with discretion over whom to hire, whom not to hire, and under what conditions to do so. Some may claim, “That’s not fair!” but it’s eminently fair. The owner pays the rent, pays the taxes, and ultimately answers to the success or failure of the business. If the business fails, you can walk away. The owner has to face the music.
You’re saying that the owner should give you more hours because you want them. But why is this? You’re not responsible for the business. Why should the owner override his or her own judgment in favor of what you want, just because you want it?
This isn’t all that different from children making decisions for their parents or airplane passengers voting on how to fly the plane. What you’re wishing for is no different.
You’re probably still thinking that you need these hours more than your co-worker. Are you sure of that? Even if you are, how do your needs override anyone else’s? Perhaps you’ll say that it’s “selfish” and therefore bad for your co-worker to work the hours that you’d rather have. But isn’t it equally selfish for you to demand them? Your question implies that it’s OK for you to care about your wants and needs, but that it’s automatically wrong for your co-worker to do the same thing. Are you really that privileged? You’re the one being one-sided and “selfish.”
Quite honestly, your question comes across like a child going to mommy or daddy and demanding, “I want what I want. It isn’t fair!” Spending time being angry about what’s not under your control is not healthy or adult behavior. It’s time to grow up and let the boss be the boss. He or she owes you nothing other than compensation for the hours he or she deems appropriate. The only power you have in this situation is to quit.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I saved your article from last year about not letting people impose on you if you own a vacation house, and I guess I have a similar situation. After many years (some of them with a live-in girlfriend), I have concluded that I prefer to live alone. I don’t want any mates or roommates living with me.
Despite that, my brother recently moved in with me when he was “between jobs.” But now he’s working again he’s paying rent. All well and good, but I thought we had an understanding that this was temporary. How can I explain this without offending him? He tries to be a good roommate so there’s no other issue other than my preference and my peace of mind.
Dr. Hurd replies:
Don’t expect him to understand. Though he’s obviously content living with you, don’t confuse his inability to understand with hurt feelings.
Say that you don’t expect him to understand, and that you know you’re in the minority on this subject. (Though, in my opinion, roommates are for college students, not adults.)
Tell him that this is a choice you made after years of living with others. You were happy to help him out in a crisis, and now it’s over. Remind him that once he was working he said he’d move out—not because you feel he’s taking advantage, but that you both agreed it was temporary. You might add that as roommates go, he’s been a good one.
Don’t be defensive. If he gets defensive or hostile, stay calm. Remember that you have nothing to be hostile about. He probably likes the security of having you as a landlord rather than someone he doesn’t know, and interestingly, if he prefers living with you even when he can afford to move out, he’s actually paying you a backhanded compliment. Be understanding, but remember you’re not his keeper.
If you let him stay because you’re afraid of hurting his feelings, your resentment will build. His presence will be a constant reminder of how you let yourself down by being weak. Don’t do your brother any ill-gotten favors by sacrificing your own personal contentment for him. You’re entitled to your own definition of happiness, and you need to take responsibility for making it happen.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Questions or comments? Email Dr Hurd