The Case of the Horrific Hound, plus Adjust Your Mojo
Dear Dr. Hurd,
We enjoyed your recent column about Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan’s approach to canine (and people) psychology. [National Geographic Channel]
My partner and I were invited to a party at the home of two very nice women. The event was totally marred by their dog. It’s a large breed, and would not stop jumping up on people, harassing everyone for their food and drink, and going from person to person demanding attention. He even knocked two glasses of wine off the coffee table. His owners barely noticed.
After watching Dog Whisperer, it was so obvious how the dog’s owners were treating it as their “child,” unwittingly rewarding the very behavior that was ruining their party.
We really like these women. Should we say something? How can we turn them down when they invite us again? We adore dogs, but they’ve created a monster out of this one.
Dr. Hurd replies:
They say dogs are like children. Ill-advised or not, your friends’ dog is obviously their child. Would you offer them unsolicited advice on how to raise their child? Not a good idea. The same applies to the dog.
Cesar Millan would certainly grasp the nature of the problem. But it’s their problem, not yours, and it doesn’t even sound like they consider it a problem.
You’re not obligated to be around their dog. When they invite you to their house, simply turn them down. Suggest they come to your house, or that you go out, or to a movie, or whatever. It’s OK to do this! They might not even notice or care.
Now here comes the good part: If or when they eventually ask why, simply say, “Do you want an honest answer?” Let them say yes, and then tell them, “It’s your dog. He’s adorable, but he jumps all over us and makes us uncomfortable.” Yes, you could lose the friendship over this. But you’ll probably lose it anyway if you offer a lousy excuse or an outright lie. And even if you get away with lying, do you want a friendship based on lies?
Telling people how to raise their kids, their pets, or whom to love or marry are two of the worst things to give advice about—especially when that advice is uninvited. At the same time, this doesn’t mean you can’t be honest once they ask.
Believe it or not, people sometimes appreciate the truth. If they ask for it and they take it well, then you’ll have created a newfound respect and trust you’re unlikely to enjoy with most friends.
The question isn’t “how” to turn them down, as much as your being OK with turning them down. And when the subject finally arises, the issue then becomes telling them the truth.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
A few years ago, my boyfriend and I bought a home here at the beach. I live here full time, and, up until now, he kept his job in Philadelphia and returned here on weekends. He recently retired, and we (or, more truthfully, I) find the new arrangement difficult. He’s interfering with my routines for taking care of the house, the lawn, etc., and always seems to want something to do. I’ve already settled into my “lower/slower” lifestyle, but he has not.
Dr. Hurd replies:
Your partner wants to feel useful and productive. It’s important that you honor these desires before you become hostile. If you resent him for wanting to do things that you’d probably agree are virtuous and healthy, then that resentment will come across in every sharp tone you convey to him. Don’t undermine the best within him, just because he’s upsetting your lower/slower “mojo.”
This doesn’t mean you have to put up with things you don’t want, but it will determine how you communicate with him. And communicate you must. Avoid the resentful, “Stop getting in my way! You’re not doing that right!” Also avoid suffering in silence, until the inevitable explosion occurs and you say something nasty. Spouses often treat one other with rudeness and hostility, and then wonder why they don’t get cooperation and sensitivity.
Try this: “I really appreciate that you want to help. But I’ve set up routines that already work for me. I’m not saying I’m unwilling to change anything, but how about we come up with some things you can manage yourself, while I keep doing what I’ve been doing?” Don’t present him a to-do list, but encourage him to make one on his own. Make cheerful and gentle suggestions if he’s willing to listen.
There are endless projects when you own a house. Now that the two of you are there full time, some of these have an opportunity for completion. Opposites attract, and partners are sometimes drawn to one another because they’re different in key respects. Think about some things your partner is better at than you are, and encourage him to tackle those projects.
By the way, don’t be completely closed-minded about suggestions he might have about the way you’re doing things. Let him feel involved in your lives together. Now that he’s finally home for good, the resulting harmony will make your mojo even better.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Questions or comments? Email Dr Hurd