To Tell or Not to Tell
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend of 7 years and I have been together since high school. We are secure and candid with each other about everything. We rent a place here in Rehoboth Beach for the summer and are thinking of adding some “spice” by opening up our relationship. There are so many cute guys here in the summer that neither of us wants to miss out on whatever “action” there may be.
So here’s the problem: We can’t agree on one critical thing. He wants me to tell him about any and all of my “escapades,” and vice versa. I think the opposite. We are secure, but are we that secure? I’d simply rather not know, just so he promises to be safe and always come home to me. What’s the right way to handle this?
Dr. Hurd’s reply:
In one sense, whatever is mutually agreeable is right. If he agrees to not disclose the extracurricular hookups, then fine. But I wonder how long that would last? How long would you have to keep a secret, or even lie to keep up the secrets? Remember, this is a small town, and much of the “gay world” is like a small town. It would be like “mutually agreed-upon deception.” When I phrase it that way, is it as appealing?
I know you say you’d “rather not know.” But doesn’t intimacy include knowing everything about a person, or at least everything important? Imagine a close friend who never told you of his personal relationships or experiences. Of course, it wouldn’t be betrayal, but how close would you feel to that friend if those subjects were off limits? If you put up this wall between you and your partner, the nature of your relationship will change.
Open relationships can be riddled with difficulties under the best of circumstances. But if you open things up and then make deception a part of the terms, you’re setting yourself up for even more trouble. I suspect you’re less comfortable with this open relationship concept than you think. If you were really comfortable with it, I think you’d welcome disclosure and honesty about what goes on. Isn’t that part of what “open” means?
Monogamy and being single both have their advantages and disadvantages. But one thing is sure: You can’t have the benefits of both at the same time.
Of course, at the moment you and your partner have a deal breaker. He’s not willing to keep his outside dalliances a secret, while you prefer to. There’s no middle ground. One of you will have to give up your terms—without being resentful. Whatever you decide, you both have to be comfortable and consistent about it.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My partner’s mother just passed away. Though I want to be comforting and try to ease her pain, I find myself not knowing what to say. In fact, I even withdraw a little because I want to fix things for her but I don’t know how. A complication here is that her mother never really liked me, so I can’t even muster up much grief for her passing. This makes me even more uncomfortable, since I really don’t feel all that sad. My girlfriend is confused by my pulling away. Help!
Dr. Hurd’s reply:
Don’t sacrifice the good for the sake of the perfect. In other words, don’t fail at the possible because you’re seeking the impossible.
You’re saying two things: “I want to make everything all right for my partner,” and, “I can’t make everything all right, so I won’t do anything.” Excuse me? Your partner lost her mother. There’s nothing anybody can do to make her feel better. In fact, the moment you try to make it better, you’re making it worse.
I hear this all the time from people who have gone through loss and grief. Their friends tell them, “There, there, it will be fine.” That’s not what you want to hear when you’ve lost someone important. It’s not malicious, but it’s certainly not helpful. There’s no right thing to say when someone goes through a loss. All you can do is to be there and be who you are.
I understand you and your partner’s mother never liked one other. That’s OK. In the words of someone I once knew, “Just because so-and-so’s dead doesn’t mean I have to like him.” Death is a part of life, but it doesn’t change the facts of life. You can feel badly that your partner lost someone even if you didn’t lose like she did. In fact, that would still be the case even if you got along with her mother.
I can’t tell you how to feel. But if I were you, I’d feel (and think) this way: “Someone I love has lost someone she loves. I’m sad for her. I can’t change it, but I’m there for her all the same.” It’s as simple as that.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to Dr Hurd.