The State of the (Civil) Union
April was a wild month. It was good, it was bad, it was beautiful, and it was destructive.
In the South, terrible tornados devastated Alabama and surrounding states. My nephew Drew attends the University of Alabama and was in Tuscaloosa when the monster storm that destroyed it swept through. I’m grateful for his escape; horrified by the destruction and loss of those who did not.
At the same time, worldwide attention was focused on the beautiful wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton at Westminster Abby.
Closer to home, we celebrated the passage of SB-30, the bill that will make same-sex civil unions legal in the state of Delaware.
All three of these unrelated events have gotten me thinking about family and relationships.
Steve [Elkins] and I have celebrated our relationship publicly for many years because of Sundance. Sundance (CAMP Rehoboth’s big Labor Day weekend event, not the Film Festival) was originally a tenth anniversary party for us, and that fact is quite often still talked about in press materials for it. Every year, as we celebrate Sundance, I’m greeted constantly with “happy anniversary” by friends, volunteers and Sundance celebrants.
This year the two of us will celebrate 33 years together. In all that time we have never been tempted to “tie the knot” in a place where it was legal. Our reasoning was that we wanted it to mean something in the state where we lived. SB-30 is making that happen.
Suddenly, making our union legal has opened a world of new possibilities.
Over the last month, many members of our community have talked to me about civil union possibilities. I’ve heard suggestions that included everything from auctioning the first civil union ceremony, to having a group ceremony—kind of a flash mob for gay civil unions. Here at CAMP Rehoboth we’re offering our space for civil union ceremonies. Our new theme is CU@CAMP! We are also working on plans to develop a CAMP guide for civil unions in Delaware. (By the way, anyone interested in working on that guide should email Steve Elkins.)
Watching the royal wedding—watching any wedding, for that matter—we are witness to centuries of tradition. Tradition creates a mold to shape the wedding service, and it adds a sacred quality to the ritual itself.
One of the exciting things about being a part of something new is that our traditions are still being created. We don’t have to copy wedding ceremonies; we’re free to create as we see fit.
In this emerging new reality, I’ve been thinking a lot about what civil unions will mean to Steve and me. From our point of view, we have been in a sacred relationship from the time we met. Sure the law will mean that the state of Delaware will now recognize our commitment to one another, but what does it mean to us and to our relationship? What statement do we want to make with our civil union service?
Perhaps if we were a brand new couple I would see it all in a different light. But now, almost 33 years into it, I want it to be a celebration of, not just our future life together but our past and present, as well.
Like all the long term couples I know—both gay and straight—our relationship has been a series of baby steps: sometimes forward, sometimes doubling back to make a full circle—and starting again. Our life together is like a deeply layered painting, heavily textured and repainted over and over again, a rich blend of both opaque and transparent colors, patterns, and shapes. That’s what an acknowledgement of our union should be like.
We have never taken the vow “for better or for worse,” but we have lived it as all couples do. I wouldn’t trade a day of our time together, even the “for worse” ones, for out of each one of them has come a stronger and stronger sense that together we will be able to handle whatever comes our way.
I look forward to crafting the words and the service that will celebrate our life together as it was, and is, and will be in the future.
On May 11, Governor Jack Markell will sign SB-30 into law. It will not take effect until January 1, 2012. I expect there will be quite a bit of planning going on in Delaware for the rest of this year.
One thing is still bothering me though. What do we call it? Do we really what to say,” we’ve been civil unioned?” Or what about, “last night we were unionized?” (That sounds like the Civil War to me!)
Other suggestions have been: solemnized, civilized, united, joined, or C.U.ed—none of which sound very appealing to me. Well, we’ve got a little time. Let’s all work on it. Suggestions can be posted on the CAMP Rehoboth Community Center Facebook page.
Whatever we end up calling it, this is a giant step forward for those of us who call Delaware home. Thank you to all who worked to make it happen. Don’t forget we’re always glad to CU@CAMP Rehoboth!
Murray Archibald, Founder and President of the Board of Directors of CAMP Rehoboth, is an artist in Rehoboth Beach.