Be Nice, but Stand Up for Yourself, plus Politics Is More than the Candidate
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I hate confrontation. If a clerk in a store is rude to me, I just take it. If somebody cuts in front of me in line, I let them. If somebody says something I disagree with, I don’t say anything. My partner tells me that I let people walk all over me, and I have to admit that I’m sort of angry and resentful about it. I don’t like feeling this way, but not enough to want to cause a scene. Am I destined to be a doormat?
Dr. Hurd replies,
One of my favorite sayings is, “Destiny is not a matter of chance, it’s a matter of choice.” You can choose to not be a doormat any time you wish, simply by changing the way you think.
Right now, you think: “Either I speak my mind, or I create a scene.” Those are two options, but there are others. For example, you can speak your mind without creating a scene. How? By speaking the way you’d like people to speak to you. People ask me all the time, “How can I assert myself while still being reasonable?” I tell them, “You’re a reasonable person, aren’t you? Just assert yourself in a way that you would respect.”
Respect is the key. People will not (and should not) respect you if you let them walk all over you. At the same time, they won’t respect you if you’re rude and shrill. This is what you fear. But you can be polite, reasonable, and assertive any time you wish.
You’re already polite and reasonable. In fact, you’ve been sucking too many things up. That’s not healthy, but at least it shows you’re capable of self-control. This is an admirable trait. So build on those strengths by allowing yourself to be assertive once in a while.
Every day, look for one opportunity to assert yourself. Start small. Get into the habit. Tell yourself things like, “I will disappoint someone today by asserting myself. And that’s OK. I will ruffle some feathers. But that’s OK.” To do it, you’ll have to believe it. By doing it more, you’ll start to believe it.
It’s all in the interest of self-respect and demanding what’s fair. Fairness is a two-way street: It applies to you no less than to anybody else.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
The recent election here in Rehoboth Beach has left me wondering who is my friend and who is not. I enjoy the exchange of ideas, and will sometimes bring up politics in discussion. But when I do this with certain people, they freak out and suggest that they can’t be my friend unless I think like they do.
Party affiliation is not the point here; I’ve seen people from both sides who act threatened by the suggestion that there might be some viewpoint other than their own. Right or wrong, are they so insecure in their views that they don’t want to hear anything that might question their ideology?
Dr. Hurd replies,
Yes. Some people are more secure than others, and this is as true with politics as with anything else. Politics is tricky. It’s more than just candidates and personalities. In fact, as a branch of philosophy, it has as much to do with ethics and other issues as it does with any particular candidate.
These are important concerns, and nobody should take them lightly. Unfortunately, some people take them too personally. I’m not denying that ethics is a personal and important thing. Just as you have to accept that people have different ethical points of view, you also have to accept that people have different political points of view.
The issue is not always insecurity. Some people are simply passionate about their points of view. Unfortunately, they become disappointed and threatened when someone—especially someone they otherwise like—holds a different point-of-view. “I like you. How can you think this way?” Disappointment is unpleasant, but it’s normal and natural. Psychologically, that’s often what’s beneath political conflicts. “How can you think that way? I thought you were different than that.”
Some might believe in the same things philosophically, but have different opinions on the best way to get there. The type of person who successfully deals with differing opinions understands and appreciates this. Does he agree with you on what is the best political policy—local or national—for getting there? Nope. But he understands that you’re still the person you otherwise appear to be, despite this difference of opinion.
We’re all entitled to not be friends with someone who doesn’t share our political points-of-view. It might not be the wisest choice to dismiss everyone who doesn’t agree with you, but it’s still a choice. But none of us are entitled to expect others to automatically agree with our opinions. That’s naïve and childish. If your friends feel that way, then maybe they’re not the friends you thought they were.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach, and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email Questions and Comments to Dr. Hurd