On New Year’s Eve, I Married Two Women! Well, Sorta…

“It’s not every day you get up and know that you will remember that day for the rest of your life. This is one of those days for me. Congratulations in advance to Sandra and Lori on your civil union tonight. Thanks for asking me to participate in the ceremony. I’ll do my best not to get too verklempt as I pronounce you civilly united!” I wrote those words as my Facebook status at 11:21 a.m. on New Year’s Eve Day, but the real story started months earlier. Years earlier, in fact.

When I first met Sandra and Lori, I was struck by how much the two of them had in common. They were outgoing and friendly women who were quick to find the humor in any situation. They each were married and they each had two sons. They were active members in the same church in northern Delaware. They were even neighbors, living on the same cul-de-sac. Their lives were intertwined with one another’s, that’s for sure. And over time, their friendship deepened into love, a romantic love. I watched them as they navigated the difficult course of ending marriages, coming out as lesbians in their home church, and helping their children adapt to a new kind of family and living arrangement.

They did it all with grace and perseverance and lots of love.

I was with Sandra and Lori at the Queen Theatre in Wilmington on May 11, 2011 when Governor Jack Markell signed Senate Bill 30 into law, legalizing civil unions for same-sex couples in the state of Delaware. We cheered the moment and we toasted it with champagne. Right away Sandra and Lori started talking about their desire to have a civil union ceremony for themselves, as soon as it was legal to have one performed. And so the planning began. Of course they would need someone to perform the ceremony, and so they asked me to recommend a clergyperson or two who might be able to do it. I knew a few. For several years I had been active in Christian groups that advocated for the full inclusion of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons in the life of the Church. I had met some courageous clergy who were willing to put their professional lives on the line by performing a same-sex civil union, and I gave their names to Sandra and Lori.

“Nope,” was their feedback to me several weeks later. “We decided that we don’t want a stranger participating in something so personal for us. But don’t worry, we figured out who we are going to get to perform the ceremony.” I gave them a quizzical look. Sandra and Lori smiled at one another, then looked at me and simply said, “YOU!” Sandra then gave me the address of a website where I could get my clergy credentials online. All it took was ten minutes and thirty dollars, and it was completely legitimate in the eyes of the State of Delaware. A couple of keystrokes later, I was a card-carrying clergy member of the Universal Life Church Monastery.

Sandra, Lori, and I met one night over dinner to plan the ceremony, at least the public one. Sandra and Lori hoped to have their ceremony on New Year’s Eve, timing the ceremony so that their first kiss in the New Year and their first kiss as legal spouses would be one and the same. Unfortunately, Delaware’s same-sex civil unions didn’t truly become legal until 10 a.m. on January 1, 2012, so a New Year’s Eve ceremony that would be legally binding was not possible. Fortunately, Sandra and Lori were one of five couples that were approved to get their civil union licenses by appointment on New Year’s Day (a holiday and a Sunday, to boot!). So plans were back on for a public ceremony on New Year’s Eve, and a private ceremony the next afternoon.

Before I knew it, it was December 31st. The Big Day. I was still putting the finishing touches on the liturgy for the ceremony. Sandra and Lori asked me to select a Scripture passage and to share a short homily as part of the service. I wasn’t worried about that at all. Growing up, I had always dreamed of being a pastor, so the idea of giving a three-minute sermon was not intimidating at all. However, I was struggling with one part of the service: the last line. I couldn’t say, “You may now kiss the bride” without being overwhelmed with emotion. My throat would close up and I could barely squeak out the words. The solution? I re-wrote the ending! I closed the ceremony with these words: “It is at this point in a traditional wedding that the pastor has the privilege of saying ‘You may now kiss the bride.’ Well, that is doubly true tonight! So everyone, please join with me in saying those words to Sandra and Lori. Ready? You may now kiss the bride!” All eighty of the guests joined in, and then burst into applause and cheers.

What do I remember most about this civil union? It has to be the complete sense of joy that permeated every moment of the two days. Not nervous brides in the least, Sandra and Lori were relaxed and happy and very much in love. They chose to have the public ceremony performed in the middle of the hotel ballroom, and we invited the guests to stand around the edges of the dance floor. Sandra and Lori were literally surrounded by their family and friends as they affirmed their covenant relationship with each other. The love being shared between Sandra and Lori, and between them and their guests, was so powerful that the room seemed to glow from its light. As they were exchanging their vows, I remember thinking, “Now, at this moment, everything is as it should be. They are doing what they should be doing, and I am doing what I should be doing. Everything is good.” My prayer is that there will be many more moments like this one in the months and years to come. May it be so.