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August 23, 2013 - Thinking Out Loud by Abby Dees

Is One of You the Man…?

It happened again. Friends asked my partner, Traci, and me, “Is one of you the man in the relationship?” This doesn’t piss me off, but it’s still puzzling. After all, I’ve always thought Traci and I were pretty much on the same spot on the gender continuum and yet people keep scratching their heads about it. 

Here’s what prompted it this time: 

I posted pictures of a hoity-toity fundraiser on Facebook. Traci wore a print dress and I wore black, shiny cigarette pants and a tailored blouse. We both wore make-up and heels, though if we’re nitpicking, mine were only kitten heels. 

There are any number of reasons why I wasn’t wearing a dress beyond the basic fact that my outfit rocked. I’m deathly white and L’Eggs in Suntan went out of style (if they were ever in style) in the ’80s; I have a nasty scar on my shin from walking into a broken flower pot; and dresses give my rather cylindrical body a chintz-draped pink column look. Not included on this list is anything having to do with gender roles.

In fairness to my friends, they didn’t ask just because of that pic. They’d noticed that most of the time they see Traci she’s in make-up and clothes straight from the dry cleaner, while I’m usually in jeans and wearing nothing more on my skin than sun block and maybe lipstick if I’m leaving the house. It’s not so off the wall for them to wonder if there was something more to this than fashion.

But what’s funny is that they are as much flouters of traditional roles as we are—which is one of the things we love about them. They are a straight couple bonded by Comic-Con geekitude and scholarly understanding of the entire action movie oeuvre. Hell, their wedding cake was a copy of the Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars, you ignoramus). The only time I could imagine them in full gender conformity is if she dressed up as Wonder Woman, and he as Superman, or whomever Wonder Woman is dating these days. Though I’d eagerly pay to see this, they wouldn’t need that much encouragement. 

What I get from this is a reminder of just how deeply worn our gender expectation grooves are even if real life has much more room for variety. To me, more obvious questions about Traci’s and my sartorial choices might be, “Abby, are you a lazy ADD-addled slug in the morning?” or “Abby, do you not accept the fact that you are a grown-up now and should probably dress like one?” I would have to answer yes to both questions. 

Okay, for the sake of argument let’s say that there’s something to this question about Traci’s and my gender roles. After all, we’re not immune to those expectations any more than my friends are. It’s the model we all grew up with in some way or another about how couples are expected to interact. Is one of us more like a typical man or woman than the other? Honestly, I’d have to say yes. YES. 

It looks like this: When it comes to heaving bags of fertilizer to the backyard and grumbling afterwards about how she shouldn’t have done that to her back, Traci’s the man. When it comes to wiring a stereo or fixing the computer, I’m the man and Traci is the woman making endless suggestions over my shoulder that I try to ignore. When it comes to making charts of finances and household numbers, Traci’s the man and I’m definitely the ditzy platinum blonde. When it comes to picking up old socks and underpants from the floor and wondering if Traci even notices, I’m very much the woman. When it comes to being patient with a curling iron and mascara, Traci’s the total woman, and I’m the man forever striving to bring my morning grooming ritual in under two minutes. And when it comes to emotional communication, Traci’s the monosyllabic man and I’m the harrumphing woman—but Traci’s still got big girlie delicate feelings. 

Does that answer the question?

Email Abby Dees

‹ August 23, 2013 - CAMP Dates up August 23, 2013 - Gray and Gay by John D. Siegfried ›

Past Issues

Issues Index

  • February 8, 2013 - Issue Index
  • March 8, 2013 - Issue Index
  • April 5, 2013 - Issue Index
  • May 3, 2013 - Issue Index
  • May 17, 2013 - Issue Index
  • May 31, 2013 - Issue Index
  • June 14, 2013 - Issue Index
  • June 28, 2013 - Issue Index
  • July 12, 2013 - Issue Index
  • July 26, 2013 - Issue Index
  • August 9, 2013 - Issue Index
  • August 23, 2013 - Issue Index
    • August 23, 2013 - Acknowledgments
    • August 23, 2013 - The Way I See It by Steve Elkins
    • August 23, 2013 - Speak Out - Letters to Letters
    • August 23, 2013 - In Brief
    • August 23, 2013 - CAMPmatters by Murray Archibald
    • August 23, 2013 - Sundance News and Notes
    • August 23, 2013 - Sundance 2013 by Nancy Sakaduski
    • August 23, 2013 - CAMP Out by Fay Jacobs
    • August 23, 2013 - Amazon Trail by Lee Lynch
    • August 23, 2013 - CAMP Stories by Rich Barnett
    • August 23, 2013 - Before the Beach by Bob Yesbek
    • August 23, 2013 - Booked Solid by Terri Schlichenmeyer
    • August 23, 2013 - Ask the Doctor by Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D.
    • August 23, 2013 - CAMP Arts by Doug Yetter
    • August 23, 2013 - Volunteer Spotlight by Chris Beagle
    • August 23, 2013 - Volunteer Thank You
    • August 23, 2013 - View Point by Richard Rosendall
    • August 23, 2013 - AIDS Walk 2013 by Glen C. Pruitt
    • August 23, 2013 - The Outfield by Dan Woog
    • August 23, 2013 - CAMPshots Gallery Index
    • August 23, 2013 - Hear Me Out by Chris Azzopardi
    • August 23, 2013 - CAMP Dates
    • August 23, 2013 - Thinking Out Loud by Abby Dees
    • August 23, 2013 - Gray and Gay by John D. Siegfried
    • August 23, 2013 - Buzz Worthy by Deb Griffin
  • September 13, 2013 - Issue Index
  • October 11, 2013 - Issue Index
  • November 15, 2013 - Issue Index

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