Whatever Happened To Love?

The Washington Post has an annual competition for readers to redefine common words. This year’s ten best included:

• Coffee (n), the person upon whom one coughs.
• Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Willy-nilly (adj), impotent

Marriage wasn’t among the Post redefinitions. That was left for the Supreme Court to redefine.

Like most gays and lesbians, I followed the Supreme Court hearings on California’s Proposition Eight and on DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) closely. Both cases revolved about the definition of marriage. What I found discouraging was that all the attempts to define, or redefine, marriage seemed to hinge on issues of gender and reproductive capabilities. 

The Court considered whether the current definition of marriage could/should be expanded to include same sex couples along with the traditional one man/one woman concept. If a definition change is to occur, Webster might have to change as well. 

Among the five definitions of marriage in Webster’s New World Dictionary only one defines marriage as between a husband and a wife (a role definition), interestingly, not as between a man and a woman (a gender definition). As more same sex couples refer to their male partner as wife, or female partner as husband, a Webster change may, perhaps, be unnecessary.

Strikingly absent from the Supreme Court deliberations, and from Webster, was the inclusion of love as part of the definition of marriage. Love doesn’t lend itself to definitions, or to rules and regulations. It’s a feeling, a state of mind, and difficult to define except by its attributes. But in the Biblical passage (First Corinthians, Chapter 13) frequently read at marriage ceremonies, love is noted as patient, kind, enduring, unending.

Perhaps along with a more inclusive definition of gender in marriage, we need a more inclusive definition of love. 

Young people frequently see love in terms of sex. Making love is synonymous with sexual intercourse for most young people. How much will I get and how often are thought of as the hallmarks of love when hormones are raging. Unquestionably, in the pre-flower-power era many young people got married so that they could have sex legitimately—at least legitimate in the eyes of their parents and the church. But inevitably, as part of the aging process, sexual activity diminishes. Does that mean that love diminishes as well? Or does it mean that love, like marriage, needs redefinition.

Golde, in Fiddler on the Roof, answers Tevye’s question of Do you love me? This way:

“For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house;
Given you children, milked the cow;
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now.
...I’m your wife.”

But Tevye persists, “I know. But do you love me?” And Golde sings in response:

“For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him;
Fought him, starved with him;
Twenty-five years my bed is his;
If that’s not love what is?”

What Golde highlights in her response is her loyalty and her caring for Tevye, not sex. Her loyalty and caring continue to be markers of her love despite whatever has happened over twenty-five years in her bedroom. Most seniors, gay and straight, can echo Golde’s song. I see and hear the accounts of caring among my fellow gay seniors and I’m humbled. If that’s not love, what is?

Another aspect, seldom mentioned but absolutely crucial in any definition of love, is honesty. If you love a person you’re honest with them. In fact, the equation of love and honesty should have an equals sign between the two. Love = Honesty. Honesty = Love. I can’t count the number of individuals over the years who have confided in me about their sexual adventures only to conclude with, “Don’t tell my partner. I don’t want to hurt him/her.” As if lying to a partner is painless. And I was as guilty as anyone until I realized I really wasn’t trying to protect my partner. I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to risk the pain and loss that honesty would entail. I didn’t want to be hurt. Honesty is the best policy is more than an old adage. It’s an eternal truth.

As the definition of marriage expands to include same sex couples let’s expand the definition of love to include loyalty, caring, and above all, honesty.

John Siegfried, a former Rehoboth resident, lives in Ft. Lauderdale. Email John Siegfried