The Best Surprise is No Surprise, and Are Muu-muus Back in Style Yet?
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I try to be a good host to my guests when they come to visit in the summer, but sometimes I wonder why I bother. A friend came here for the weekend and spent his entire time trolling for hookups on Grindr, and then inviting them over to my house for the inevitable festivities. I might as well have been a bed and breakfast innkeeper. I feel like I’m not being a good host by telling him and his iPhone to take a hike next time he calls. He left a few hours ago, and I am considering burning the sheets.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Where words fail us, we communicate through our actions. You friend seems to be communicating very clearly: “Your house is my guest house. I’m here to spend my vacation time as I please.” His words may differ, but his behavior leaves no room for interpretation.
It sounds like you had different expectations. You expected a guest/host kind of thing; he expected more of a guest/innkeeper kind of thing. And that’s where you’re contradicting yourself. You’re saying, “I want to tell him I don’t like this; but that would mean I’m a bad host.” But you’re not his host. You’re his innkeeper, at least by his definition. You cannot be both. You are letting him set the terms of the experience, while you’re trying to rise above it all and “be a good host.” But doesn’t being a good host imply that you have a good guest?
When I first moved to the beach, a friend who had moved here many years ago predicted, “You’ll find out who your real friends are once you move here. Some of them you will hear from much less if you don’t provide them with a free place to stay. Let them stay with you, and you’ll hear from them more—especially in the summer. But for your true friends, it won’t matter. They’ll come and visit you no matter where they stay.” I have found that to be 100% true.
Your experience illustrates that and provides even more proof that you know people by what they do, much more than by what they say. What you viewed as a friendship was really more a projection of your mind. You “made him up,” so to speak, but his actions told the tale. To be fair, he probably doesn’t see himself as not a friend. But you define friendship differently, and it is your home. So you need to adjust your expectations, feelings—and invitations—accordingly.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I am not Poodle Beach material by any stretch (and I use the term literally) of the imagination. A bathing suit is not my idea of couture—especially when I’m surrounded by 20-somethings who haven’t eaten since last spring and look perfect in a Speedo. But I’ve got something they don’t have: A nice house at the beach. So of course everybody’s my friend in the summer. After morning coffee, they start in on me to accompany them to the sand for their day of posing...uh, I mean, “sunbathing.” I do not want to plop on the beach in front of everybody, but I also feel bad being Cinderella Stick-In-The-Mud and staying home alone all afternoon.
Dr. Hurd replies,
You cannot be in two places at the same time. Either you’re on the beach enjoying whatever benefits that may bring, or you’re inside avoiding your stress. So my short answer is: Make your choice, and be at peace with it.
If you’re so miserable and self-conscious while on the beach, maybe you’re better off staying inside. But what I’m questioning here is your level of concern over what others are thinking—or what you assume they’re thinking. You obviously don’t see yourself in a flattering light. But does it automatically follow that nobody else does, either? People are very different, with different tastes, attitudes, and desires. They also tend to notice and apply importance to different things in different degrees.
Sure, I notice someone when they’re attractive. And I don’t particularly notice when I see someone not as attractive, but it doesn’t mean I’m looking down on them or thinking any less of them. Of course, that’s just me, but that’s also my point: What makes you assume that everyone is thinking the same thing about you, and only that one thing?
If you have something better to do, then go do your thing and live vicariously through your friends on the beach. Maybe you can even head out for a quick visit in a T-shirt, or something else that makes you more comfortable.
People avoid the beach for many reasons. Some of us don’t like the strong sun. Others I know detest sand. Look for a compromise, and be comfortable with your choice. Where possible, display a sense of humor about it. I think you’ll find that if you’re comfortable with what you’re doing, others will follow suit. Confidence breeds confidence, and it’s obvious you need some of that.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.