Stand Up for Yourself; plus Therapy is All About Trust
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I was in a conversation with a friend the other day when somebody walked up and interrupted us. It was rude, but what surprised me more was my friend’s reaction. He turned to the person and said, “Excuse me, can’t you see I’m talking to somebody? I’d appreciate it if you would at least wait until we’re finished.” My first reaction was embarrassment, but then I realized that I wish I could do that. People seem to have no boundaries nowadays—how can I get into the habit of setting boundaries like that?Dr. Hurd replies,
We create the environment around us. That doesn’t mean that we are responsible for the actions of others, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. If you go through life resenting such intrusions, then you will start to feel like a victim. “What’s wrong with people?” you’ll think. Or, if you’re older, “Why are people so rude today?” These thoughts may be valid, but they’re beside the point. The point is that you’re feeling like a victim because of what you’ve not been doing to take care of yourself.
Your friend gets this and I applaud him. I don’t assume the person interrupting meant any harm. For that reason, I wouldn’t be hostile. I’d simply be factual. It sounds like your friend was somewhere in between. That may have been appropriate, but I wasn’t there. But I do know he had the right idea. And you know it; that’s why you’re writing me now. In cognitive therapy, I sometimes tell people, “Send a standing order to your subconscious: It’s OK to comment when someone crosses over a line.” All you have to do is comment.
Standing up for oneself gets a bad rap. That’s why your initial reaction is shame and embarrassment. We’re all trained to not be “too big for our britches” and to not stick up for ourselves, but psychological health requires that we set appropriate boundaries that suit our personal style.
I feel a bit like Miss Manners here, but it’s deeper than manners. It’s about giving yourself permission to not be a hypocrite. And it works both ways: Don’t grant yourself a boundary you’re not prepared to respect in another. Given your reaction, I suspect you already take care of others’ boundaries. Now it’s time to take care of your own.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
It seems like you are especially qualified to answer this question, as I feel uncomfortable asking my own therapist. I have been seeing her for several years now and I’ve told her many personal and private things. Lately I’ve been seeing her in restaurants, at the grocery store, etc. and two things nag at me. First, I can’t help but feel she’s judging me when we see one another outside the office, and second, I can’t shake the thought that she’s talking about me to other people. I have no evidence of either of these things! But I can’t help thinking them.
Dr. Hurd replies,
It’s understandable that you’re feeling uncomfortable in an awkward or unexpected situation. But it’s mistaken and arbitrary to attribute thoughts or attitudes to your therapist without knowing what she’s thinking—especially when you have no evidence. The usual principle among professional therapists is this: If a therapist sees you in public, he or she will not acknowledge you. To do so would impair or break your confidentiality. If the client comes up to the therapist and says hi, or even introduces the therapist as such, that’s fine. It’s entirely up to the client.
Some therapists discuss this with their clients, but if not, I suggest you bring it up to your therapist. That will clear the air and reveal her attitude and policy on the subject. It’s probably something like what I just stated.
I sometimes tell clients, “If I don’t acknowledge you in public, it’s either because I didn’t see you, or I’m respecting your right to not be on the spot.” Some say, “Oh, please go ahead and acknowledge me.” As a general rule I’ll do whatever is requested.
I can’t help but comment on your feeling that your therapist is judging you. What do you think she would be judging? Why does that matter so much? Is this something that happens with other people too? What would your therapist say about this?
Of course if you have actual evidence she’s talking about you with other people, then either bring it up or fire her. You can’t work with someone you don’t trust. But I’m wondering if maybe these feelings have less to do with her and more to do with your own issues. That’s okay, but see it for what it is.
This is an opportunity to look at your own views about yourself, and perhaps even talk them over with your therapist. That’s one of the marvelous things about therapy and psychology: Everything is data, not only about others, but about ourselves as well. Embrace it and use it as a chance to grow.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.