Monsters Need Not Apply; Treat Yourself to You
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My partner’s young son makes bedtime an ordeal by insisting that there are monsters in his bedroom. As much as we try to explain to him that there are no monsters, bedtime ends up being an hour-long chore. We don’t know what to do.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Saying, “There are no monsters” is a waste of time. Simply say, “OK, let’s find the monster” or “Show me the monster.” Then the three of you proceed to look for it. Ask him where the monster is and let him find places where the monster might be. I suspect that he will tire of this as he slowly realizes that his bedroom is monster-free. He will probably stop saying anything about it after he goes through this process a few times.
Of course, it’s about more than just monsters. It’s about how human beings know things. In your search through the closets and under the bed you’ll be teaching him the value of reason and the absolutism of objective reality. And even more importantly, you’re teaching him that he can attain these things through his reasoning and sensory experience. Rather than preaching it at him like you’re doing now, you’re walking him through it so he can figure it out on his own.
Sadly, this is the kind of parenting we see much too little of. Many parents consider this approach to parenting far too permissive. They’ll say, “You can’t take the time to reason with your child. You must tell him who’s boss.” But you cannot use the excuse that your child is young to evade the fact that he still has his own mind. One central purpose of parenting is to train the child how to reason and think by putting two and two together to reach a conclusion. It starts with monsters, and moves on to more sophisticated things.
By embarking on the bedtime monster-quest, you’re doing precisely what a parent is supposed to do: Taking the time to encourage the child to reason and think. Training him to use his mind is as important as feeding and clothing him, because objective reasoning is the only means he’ll ever have for independently feeding and clothing himself when he grows up.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I am a workaholic. At least that’s what my various girlfriends tell me—usually when they’re breaking up with me! I worked very hard to build my business, and I feel I owe it, and my employees, everything I have to keep it running smoothly and profitably. Unfortunately, I am often called away at odd hours and this makes it hard for me to have a social life. I’ve lived here for 15 years and I’ve only seen the ocean four or five times! I can’t allow my business to fail, but I’m getting tired of being alone.
Dr. Hurd replies,
You’d think that working and living at the beach would make it easier to live in the moment, but even here, surrounded by all the wonderful things so unique to coastal living, stress and time management skills have to be developed and maintained. Of course, not planning ahead and managing your business can create its own kind of stress, and when you finally have to deal with the consequences of poorly made choices, you’ll be right back where you started.
Try to enjoy little everyday pleasures and keep yourself from focusing on things you can’t immediately control. Without a healthy balance between “you” time and work time, you can never stop to smell the roses or the wonderful salty aroma of the ocean. Life can become a series of sad little regrets, linked by an endless string of “what ifs.”
A big impediment to living in the moment is what mental health professionals sometimes call “irrational perfectionism.” This rules out “you” time and the chance to emotionally refuel. You wouldn’t take a long automobile trip without stopping for gas, would you? You wouldn’t say, “I don’t have the time to get gas.” Yet that’s what you’re doing with your life.
Do you trust your employees enough to delegate an hour or so to them so you can turn off that phone and enjoy what you love: music, your pets, sports, whatever? Don’t let the life you have chosen in this beautiful place pass you by.
You imply you could lose your business just because you take breaks. Are your customers really that impatient? I know that some are, and having been self-employed for many years I recognize that in order to survive you must please your customers. But that doesn’t include doing the impossible.
By definition, the impossible will never happen. So why squander precious energy on futility? Instead, excel at what you do while you’re doing it; and then excel at relaxing when you take those well-deserved breaks. Yes, plan and think about tomorrow, next month, or next year. But in the process, don’t sacrifice your precious minutes, seconds and hours. They are finite, and are ticking away whether you choose to enjoy them or not.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.