At an Inconvenient Loss for Words / Doesn’t Like the Bombs Bursting in Air
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My partner’s mother passed way a couple of weeks ago and I was surprised to find myself uncomfortable about what to say. We’ve been together for 18 years, and we both enjoy making each other happy. But suddenly I felt powerless and frustrated because I knew that I could not make him feel any better about this. So I sort of shut down and withdrew. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, but I just don’t know what to do.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Let’s review the facts here: You’re shutting down and withdrawing. Yet you don’t want him to think you don’t care. Unfortunately, those two things can’t exist at the same time—at least not for him. And it’s ironic that the whole reason you’re shutting down is because you do care.
The important thing is to let him know as soon as possible by telling him that you realize how you’re shutting down, that you know how it looks, but to please understand that your feelings are just the opposite. After 18 years together, I think he will believe you. If he doesn’t, then there must have been doubt in the first place.
In most cases, people who have experienced a major loss simply want you to “be there.” They need you to remain present in their lives; not hovering 24/7, but available if they need you. They don’t need—or want—you to try and cheer them up.
The best way to help someone in the midst of a loss is to remind them they have not lost everything. One of the worst things you can do is to (inadvertently) make light of their sorrow by saying things like, “You’ll get through this” or, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” These statements might be well meaning and are true, but just because something is true doesn’t make it the right thing to say. One of the most idiotic things I’ve ever seen was a sympathy card in a store that read, in flowery script, “He is only sleeping.” Really? Imagine receiving that when you’re trying to endure the anguish of a shattering loss!
You can’t “make” someone feel better. A grieving partner cannot, in a certain sense, be consoled. He needs you to be the same person you always were; a soothing reminder that they still have something valuable, even if one of their most important relationships is now gone. The best you can do is to provide a bit of stability and familiarity in his time of sorrow. Don’t let your frustration overpower you. If you do, then the loss becomes about you. And it’s not.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
Every July 4th it’s the same thing. Our dog is deathly afraid of the sound of fireworks, and when the noise starts, I’m not sure who gets crazier—the dog or my wife. She reacts to the dog’s fear by tromping around the house, cursing everyone and everything having to do with July 4th. I swear this upsets the dog even more than the explosions. Every year, the same thing. I suggest we comfort the dog or take her for a ride, but the hissy fits take precedence over that. The dog ends up under the bed and I end up wanting to join her. What can I say to make my wife stop this?
Dr. Hurd replies,
The best solution is often the most obvious: Make plans to be out of the house on July 4. Try to pick a place where there are no fireworks. Either take the dog with you, or arrange to have the dog stay in a place where fireworks displays are not nearby. Don’t wait until the last minute to make this perfectly constructive suggestion. It’s much easier for everyone, including the dog, to remove yourselves from the source of the upset.
If for some reason your wife objects to this made-in-advance suggestion, be prepared to listen to why, and be open to whatever solution she might pose. But make one thing clear to her: You’re not willing to go through this every July 4th. Fireworks are not going anywhere, so the three of you might as well make your exit. Maybe even plan a vacation at that time, making sure there are no fireworks nearby if you are accompanied by the dog.
Your mistake is that you are trying to control your wife’s reaction. You can’t do anything about that. In fact, she might even be afraid of the noise too. Some humans have negative reactions to loud noises. It’s kind of a phobia that is extremely difficult if not impossible to eradicate. She might be embarrassed or ashamed of her fears, so instead she throws a hissy fit and projects the fear onto the poor unsuspecting dog.
Do your best to change the environment that’s triggering her reaction. If she objects to these suggestions, then be prepared to make your own plans so you and your dog won’t again be celebrating the rockets’ red glare from under the bed.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.