Where Did all the Glitter Go? / Uhhh … They Already Know
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’m a generally happy mid-40s gay male. I am writing to you for suggestions for dealing with overwhelming nostalgia that ruins my current time in Rehoboth. Being a participant in the early gay days of the town (1990s-early 2000s), I find myself waxing nostalgic and spending more time depressed than enjoying my current visits.
I miss the themed house parties, The Strand, the Renegade, cruising the end of the Boardwalk, Love Party weekend, spending all week making costumes for those house parties, competing over how many times we could get our pic into Letters in a season, the gay phone directory, that insufferable Realtor who managed the social scene....
It’s all so different now; so much so that it interferes with my enjoyment in the present. The wild party vibe is gone and I feel so disconnected. Rehoboth has a lot to offer but when I visit I feel like I’m stuck in the past; one full of great crazy memories, but the past nonetheless. Any suggestions?
Dr. Hurd replies,
I notice a contradiction in what you’re saying. On the one hand, you’re saying Rehoboth has so much to offer you. On the other hand, you’re looking for Rehoboth to provide things that it once did, but no longer can. So the first thing I recommend is to take a look at that contradiction. It sounds like you’re not totally sure of what you want.
Locations change, evolve; even deteriorate or regress, depending on your perspective. Locations are no different from people in that respect, because it’s ultimately people who make a location into what it is.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every change you dislike, there’s probably a corresponding change you do like. For example, summer is a time to enjoy the warmth and the sun. But winter is a time to enjoy the fire and the warmth indoors. You might prefer one or the other, but there’s potential value in each.
Ask yourself how Rehoboth has improved and matured, and don’t assume all the changes are bad. Take a look at whether there are opportunities in the “new” Rehoboth that you might be missing. Are there things you might be doing where you could feel more connected, as you did in the past? For example, Love Party might be gone, but we still have Sundance. Experiment. Open your mind.
You’d probably agree that the party atmosphere had its pros and cons. I know a lot of people who treasure and relish their wilder past, but don’t necessarily want to go back. Sometimes we feel nostalgia based more on selective memory than the way it really was.
Feeling connected requires active and regular engagement. Try considering activities that get you involved and engaged. CAMP Rehoboth is rife with opportunities to volunteer and get involved. It’s worth a try. And always remember that you have choices: If Rehoboth is no longer for you, and it’s time to move on, then don’t be afraid to accept it.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My partner and I are getting married soon. We have invited friends and family from out of town and we are looking forward to the event. However, I have become anxious about kissing my husband in front of his parents. For some reason I simply can’t get past it. I haven’t said anything to him, and I’m not sure I should. Help—the wedding’s in three-and-a-half weeks!
Dr. Hurd replies,
It sounds like you feel you don’t have a choice here. People get anxious when they feel they don’t have a choice. But you do. The whole point of marriage—gay or otherwise—is to have a choice. It’s not an obligation. If you don’t want to get married, or if you don’t want to have a ceremony, then you don’t have to. Try to focus on that fact, and your anxiety might diminish.
On some basic level, you’re trying to please the parents. You have a “child within” who does not wish to disappoint or otherwise offend mommy and daddy. But you’re an adult now! This wedding is an opportunity to grow up. A grown man does not need his parents to tell him what’s right. You’re simply being yourself, and you’ve chosen to celebrate what’s important to you in front of people you love. That’s the whole point of having a public wedding ceremony, isn’t it?
I assume his parents accepted your invitation willingly; even happily. If they can handle it, why can’t you? It’s possible that you have internalized the false belief that you cannot or should not be happy. Yes, you’ve challenged those false beliefs enough to get to this point, but you’re getting psychological “cold feet”—not about your commitment to this man, but about your commitment to true happiness in life. It’s time to tuck your inner child into bed and get out into the world, freely and fully, as a grownup. You’ve earned it.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.