Basic Exterior Wash, and Hold the Tire Shine
I wear a t-shirt that says, “Will write for food.” I should also have one that says, “Will do improbable things for a story.”
Well. Here’s one. And while it concerns water, I did not have to fall out of a kayak, injure myself again on Jungle Jim’s Lazy River, or otherwise wind up dripping wet and humiliated.
In fact, for this water torture I didn’t even have to get wet.
“You know I write humor?” I said to Brad and Michael, the proprietors of the aptly named A’Nu Wellness Center, recently ensconced in the row of stores where Leather Central holds forth (face it, it’s a landmark).
“We know,” they said. “We just want you to give this a try.”
The “this” in question is a new piece of equipment for Aqua Massage Therapy, promising a revolutionary dry-water massage. Looking like a combination tanning bed and MRI machine, the device awaited my participation.
Okay, so the guys can stop worrying, I loved the massage! And it certainly was a unique experience.
First, I am ushered into the treatment room, asked to remove my shoes and eyeglasses, and told to lie face down, eyes, nose and mouth in the customary massage-table “head hole.” Okay, I brace myself and wait for the experience—hopefully one that fits my mantra that “nothing is so bad if it’s worth the story you can tell.”
I announce that I am ready and the top on this new-fangled waterbed slowly closes on me, leaving me to lie encased in machinery like lunch meat in a panini machine. I’ve been promised I will remain completely dry.
Then the gears grind and Brad says, “We’ll start out with a light massage.”
A spray of water comes down on the rubber sheeting between me and the deluge. Not two seconds later I start giggling from the tickling on the bottom of my feet. Pretty soon I’m squealing like a seventh grade girl. When the light spray gets to the small of my back, I’m laughing hysterically and Brad says, “Do you want it to be a little more powerful massage?”
“Yes, please!” I giggle. Haven’t made such a scene since the time I had my feet nibbled on by fish in a spa in the Greek Isles. All I could do there was yelp and giggle like a toddler.
So Brad increases the power to stop my chuckling. The water pressure gets stronger, moving along the track, with the spray working its way up my chassis as if I’m getting the full service treatment at the car wash. I imagine being flapped by rubber shards and shot with hot wax next, but luckily neither happens. Since I’m lying stomach down on the table, I don’t require the undercarriage special.
When the water pressure gets to my neck and ears it sounds like a tornado coming, then retreats and starts back down my spine. Up and down, the water pummels me from head to toe, over and over. If I’d had a kidney stone it surely would have washed downstream by this time.
For twenty minutes I lay there, like vinyl siding being power washed. It lulled me into a relaxed stupor before my 20 minutes were up. It was such a visceral experience, that when I was done I expected to exit the massage bed dripping wet. No, just a little wobbly from utter relaxation.
It was Bonnie’s turn next and I managed to get a photo of her in the chute. Luckily she forgot to get my photo so I have to publish hers!
She, too, loved the experience although we both admitted it felt oddly like being hosed down by the fire department. But it was actually weirdly wonderful. And I imagine it’s very good for backaches, tired muscles, and as a general mood elevator. Truth is, it was a very relaxing massage.
We also learned that there are two other massage machines that will be available at A’Nu Wellness Center this summer—a massage table where you will lie face up, and like a waterbed, the power-washing is experienced from the bottom of the table (definitely better for folks who are a little claustrophobic.) Although with my head well outside the power-washer encasing my body, I felt absolutely comfortable!
There will also be a machine on the premises where clients will actually get wet with the massage and hydro-therapy. I want to go back for that one.
And, according to Brad and Richard, you get this lovely experience all for about $1 a minute. I thought that 20 minutes was just about perfect. Any longer and I would have been too relaxed to sit back up.
I say you should check it out. And don’t worry. They won’t vacuum your back seat or wipe down your dashboard. A triple foam polish might have been nice, though.