Get to the Bottom of It; and Now You Tell Me?!
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I picked up a copy of Letters while my fiancé and I were vacationing in Rehoboth Beach, and I really like your column. I do have a question, though, and I assume my intended will not come across it…though he might, and that’s the subject of my letter to you.
In a nutshell, my friends insist that my fiancé is gay. He does have some effeminate mannerisms, but I know gay men who have none of these mannerisms. So is he just being himself as a straight man, or should I be concerned that things might blow up after we marry?
I don’t believe that he would intentionally lie to me, but sometimes I wonder if he isn’t lying to himself. And I have no idea what he would do if I asked him outright. I’m getting a little nervous as our wedding approaches.
Dr. Hurd replies,
The big issue is not whether he is gay. It’s about trust. Every committed relationship must be based on trust. It’s the ground we walk on. It’s not possible to trust someone who lies to him- or herself. People who lie to themselves are, by necessity, psychologically prepared to foist these lies on others. Honesty with yourself is the most important honesty there is; without it you can’t rely on people to be truthful with you.
To me, the most important part of your note is not that you think your fiancé might be gay; it’s that you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him to acknowledge and accept his sexual orientation, there could very well be other things you don’t trust about him. As for his being gay, what’s the evidence for it? I understand effeminate mannerisms might suggest he’s gay, but there are plenty of exceptions to this rule. So what are your friends seeing? It’s a pretty big step for friends, even close ones, to tell you that the man you’re going to marry might not like women. I’m wondering if there’s something else they haven’t told you. Maybe they’ve seen something they’d rather not mention, or they can’t be quite sure they saw, such as him having a moment with another guy. If they’re going to give you this weighty news, be sure to get all the facts. Half-truths are worse than no truths.
Spend some time discussing this matter with someone objective, i.e., someone who doesn’t know your fiancé. Don’t just rely on your friends. Carefully select a therapist or other unbiased confidant to explore the issue in more detail. A lot more could be going on here than perhaps you wish to admit, even to yourself. Your letter to me was a good first step. Now go explore it.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My wife and I have been married for a couple of years. Though there was no discussion of this before we committed to one another, she is now talking about having a child. I have no desire to do this. I like my life as it is, free of the constraints and responsibilities that come with children.
There is no doubt that our lives would change considerably if I give in to her, and I do not want this to happen. I wish she had brought this up before we got married. I feel bad telling her no, but I feel even worse ending the lifestyle I now enjoy to begin another one that has never interested me in the least.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Wait a minute: You and your wife never discussed having a child. Now she wants one—without a discussion—and she’s acting like you should too? And you’re the one who feels guilty?! That’s not right.
Don’t get me wrong. Your wife is not a monster. It’s true that you didn’t discuss the subject before getting married. And even if you had, people do change their minds. But the onus is on her to tell you, “I know we never discussed this. I realize that we both might have assumed that we’d never have kids. But I’m starting to reconsider. Are you willing to hear me out? Or at least go there?” If having a child is important to her—and she is important to you—then of course you’ll go there. But that doesn’t mean you’ll agree.
Two things are at work here. (1) Your wife’s faulty communication and assumption that you’d be excited just because she’s now excited about becoming a mother. (2) Your faulty assumption that just because she wants a child (to which you never agreed) that you now have to automatically agree. Marriage is not a prison. You do not have to become a parent—the single biggest decision anyone ever makes—against your will! And your wife should not insist on that. If she does, that’s an entirely different discussion.
Reconsider your guilty feelings. And consider having a series of conversations with your wife where she can try to convince you why this would be a good step for both of you. Ground rules: Guilt and anxiety can have no place in these conversations!
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.