He Feeds on Your Attention / Intolerable Liking and Sharing
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I have a stalker! He tells people that he has loved me for a long time. I’ve told him we could be friends, but nothing more, but now he tells people we are dating. He says he understands that we are just friends, but he follows me on social media and texts me for dates, which I try to do in a group setting. I finally had to tell him I wanted a break when he kept hinting for more. This is not normal for me to be so direct, but I’ve started to feel uncomfortable in any situation involving him.
Dr. Hurd replies,
There’s nothing worse than a liar. The problem with a stalker is that he lies to himself most of all. Those are the worst kind of liars. You said it’s not like you to be direct, but this is a situation that calls for very black-and-white directness. There’s no getting around it. Treat it as a life lesson!
You’re wasting your time trying to persuade him of anything. People like that are irrational. I’m not saying he’s necessarily dangerous, though he could be, as stalkers sometimes are. But usually they are not. However, they can sap a lot of your energy. For that reason, I strongly advise you to not engage him in any way. If you must put time or energy into dealing with him, then make sure all of that energy goes toward ignoring him and keeping him at bay.
If you know it’s him calling, do not answer. Period. Stop looking for opportunities to persuade him. Even being mean or hostile, which you insist is not your way, will not stop him. People like that relentlessly seek evidence that they’re on your mental radar screen. So long as they have that—mean or not—they’re happy. Stop thinking he wants what you want. This does not apply to stalkers. They want your attention. And this, for whatever reason, is his problem, not yours.
A docile, nonconfrontative personality and a stalker are a terrible match. I recognize you’re not looking for a match with this individual, but you are certainly in one, whether you like it or not. And as long as you give him attention, things will stay the way they are. The best way to make this go away is to give him no attention or feedback whatsoever.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I have a small office in the area. One of my front-desk employees is apparently obsessed with Facebook. Every time I pass by, her head is buried in her (well, my) computer screen as she obsessively scrolls through the vapid drivel that seems to be the heartbeat of that program.
I know that she often minimizes the screen when I approach, but her habit is affecting her work and is annoying to my customers who have to stand and wait while she “likes” and “shares” herself into a frenzy. She has worked for me for many years. What can I do to get her to stop without being mean or hurting her feelings?
Dr. Hurd replies,
I have a couple of questions for you: Who does this employee work for? Whose business is this? The answer is clear: you and yours. As the boss, or even as an upper-level manager, it’s your job to let employees know what is or what is not acceptable.
Quite frankly, if you’re concerned about not being mean or hurting feelings, then you should not own a business, or be a manager or boss of any kind. That might sound “mean” to you, but it’s a fact nonetheless. Of course, there will always be discomfort over firing someone. But that role (or more accurately, duty) goes with the territory. So while your note is ostensibly about your employee, it’s really about you. Whether you know it or not, you’re actually asking, “Do I have the nerve to threaten to fire (or fire) this person, or not?” A true boss’ answer is, and must always be, “Yes.”
While everything I just wrote is true, keep in mind that it’s also true that you can be nice and calm while still holding someone accountable. You can be direct and honest, even blunt, but there’s no need to be hateful or nasty. The problem here is that you’re confusing hateful and nasty with your duty to hold people accountable for their actions. It’s not hateful to do that: It’s called justice and fairness.
By the way, let’s look at what “fair” really implies. You feel like it’s unfair or somehow mean to fire someone for not doing his or her job. But what about the people who are doing their jobs and not spending time on Facebook when they’re otherwise obliged to work? And what about you, doing your job, and now having this headache on top of it? The only person who’s unfair here is this employee. And you risk unfairness— to yourself and to your good employees—by failing to do your job.
Be the boss and do what you have to do.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.