A Passing Dilemma / Please Pity Me. I Like it!
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My ex’s mother passed away suddenly. He and I have not been together for six years, and the breakup was not a good one. I know he was close to his mother, and people asked me if I was going to attend the services. My first idea was just to send flowers in order to minimize drama, but I was friendly with other members of his family, and I’m not sure how to pay my respects without dredging up old hurts.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Don’t try to make decisions for your ex. You’re attempting to solve this dilemma without crucial information. So just ask him. It’s his mother; what does he want? Asking him guarantees a win-win. If he wants you to go, you’ll both be glad you asked. If he doesn’t want you to go, he’ll appreciate that you thought of it. Either way, you will know.
We could say you’re entitled to go to the funeral if you want. But if we’re honest about it, funerals are really for the living. Your ex’s mother is no longer in a position to have her feelings hurt. These services are really for your ex and his family. He is your primary connection to them, and that’s why I’d leave it up to him.
So how do you ask him? Pick your own words, but I suggest something like, “I’m sorry about your mother. I loved her, and I’d be honored to attend her funeral. If you prefer I don’t, then I fully understand.” If you’re more inclined to go than not, then ask him in person. If you’re a little uncomfortable going even if he says yes, then send it in a note, text or email. In the latter case, put the onus on him to respond.
Don’t take responsibility for dredging up old hurts. Any hurts your ex has are his problem and his business. It sounds like you remained close with her after your breakup. If you didn’t worry about hurting his feelings over that, then why worry so much now? While it would never make sense to deliberately dredge up bad feelings, it’s over-responsible on your part to worry about doing so here. It’s his mother. Let him decide.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
All of a sudden, a longtime friend of mine has started telling everyone that her pre-teen son is autistic. Many of us have known him since he was born, and he has always been quiet and a little shy, but otherwise, he functions just fine in all situations. I politely asked her if this was a doctor’s diagnosis, and she got irritated with me, saying that “she just knows that he is” and that we need to treat him differently. Not only does this cheapen and minimize the very real ordeals of parents of truly autistic kids, but she almost seems proud of this entirely self-diagnosed malady. We feel bad for her son, and we’re not sure what to do.
Dr. Hurd replies,
When I was in graduate school for psychology, we were taught not to throw diagnostic labels around with our clients. On the premise that a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing, we were wisely warned to speak to clients and patients in plain English. This would prevent unwarranted leaping to conclusions, self-diagnosis, and diagnosis of family members.
Apparently a lot of people did not follow this advice. As a result, there’s now a huge industry built around encouraging people to label themselves and their loved ones. While it may drum up business for drug companies and feed some bad therapists’ need to feel important, it’s not necessarily the best thing for the people who succumb to it.
That being said, you can’t blame it all on the mental health and psychiatric professions. Some people will seek attention no matter what. You or I might view it as an unfortunate thing for one’s child to have a mental problem or dysfunction. For others, it’s a strange kind of achievement, sort of a badge of courage and a way to garner status or attention. Sounds like that’s what’s happening here.
To whatever extent you have involvement in this young person’s life, just try to expose him to a different point-of-view. Don’t put his mother down. Just give him a different perspective if he’s interested and capable of understanding (based on his age and other factors). The term widely used nowadays is “autism spectrum,” i.e., autism as a matter of degree. You might ask him what this means to him. As for his mother, just change the subject and move on as much as you can. Don’t fight her, but don’t give the issue much visibility, either.
You’re not a crusader and you’re not this boy’s parent. But it’s a big world with many different ways of looking at things. Anything you do to encourage him to think of himself as a person first, and not shackled to his disease label (valid or not), can only be good for him.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.