Outside of the Gender Binary
The lockdown that took place in 2020 was a time of several awakenings for me. One of these awakenings was the beginning of my gender identity crisis. I know that sounds dramatic, but at the time it felt like my world was turning upside down.
It started with a video game I really enjoyed at the time. It was mostly a text-based game where you could decide what your character was proficient with, and then go through a series of dungeons to fight your way through. In my first run of the game, I decided to play as a male herbalist. One of the things about this game I loved is that there was no player avatar shown on the screen, so what your character looks like is only limited by your imagination.
One of the nights I was cooped up in my room playing it, I thought, “What does my character look like?” Those who know me can confirm drawing has always been a major part of my life.
Creating art has provided me with an outlet for storytelling; a way to cope with mental health struggles and express myself in ways I otherwise couldn’t in the physical world. So, soon after, I got out my drawing tablet and started brainstorming. The outcome was…unexpected, to say the least.
Up until that point, I had always drawn myself as a woman. This felt comfortable, and I never thought of doing anything differently. It wasn’t until I drew this character that I realized how much I enjoyed feeling and being perceived as masculine, and how badly I wanted to look like this fictional representation of myself.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, what I was feeling was gender euphoria. For those who don’t know what gender euphoria is, it is a feeling of relief, comfort, or joy that occurs when how you present yourself aligns with your internal gender identity. Each person’s experience with gender euphoria—and on the flip side, gender dysphoria (or lack thereof)—is very personal. No two folks’ experiences will be exactly the same.
Fast forward from that period in lockdown to March, 2021. The previous summer, two of my closest friends had come out as non-binary and were now using different pronouns. Before this happened, I had a hard time understanding what non-binary was, and frankly was very ignorant when talking about it. That summer, suddenly this strange new identity I’d written off the year before was now right at my doorstep, so to speak. I was forced to reconcile with my internalized feelings of confusion, discomfort, everything, head-on if I wanted to support my friends the way they deserved.
And through that, I realized that I fell outside of the gender binary as well. It’s been more than a year later, and I’m only just starting to overcome my feelings of imposter syndrome.
Creating art and character designs to represent how I’ve been feeling has really helped facilitate my journey through this self-discovery process, just as it helped me begin it. Within my friend groups, I’m trying out how it feels being referred to as they/them and he/him, along with the she/her I’ve grown so used to.
So far, I’ve been quite fond of being able to be so fluid with how I present myself on a day-to-day basis. Comforting, even, not boxing myself into a singular category of man or woman. I’ve even gotten in touch with an LGBTQ+ specialized therapist. This time during 2020, I don’t think I would ever begin to imagine where I would be today. Let alone before lockdown. I have no idea where this gender journey will take me, but I’m grateful to just enjoy the ride and see where it leads. ▼
Aspen Moon is a Delaware college student majoring in Human Services. They plan to pursue a master’s degree in Art Therapy.
Artwork by Aspen Moon