Eyes Front and Center, Please
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My female partner and I love socializing with our coupled male friends. We’ve observed a pattern, however, that we find both amusing and a little annoying. When we’re at a restaurant or a bar with “our boys,” their heads swivel like owls as they take notice of any and all attractive men who happen to pass by. We don’t know whether this is just a “guy” thing or if they are bored with our company. This behavior doesn’t seem as prevalent in women, and in fact we know some who would take offense if their partner ogled every attractive female passerby. Should we say something?
Dr. Hurd replies:
Whether or not it’s a “guy” thing doesn’t matter. What does matter is that it’s a thing with your friends. We’re all responsible for our behaviors, but some behaviors are so automatic we don’t even think about them. That could very well be the case with your boyfriends.
Though it’s reasonable to assume they mean no harm, there are some rational distinctions to be made. Do they do this repeatedly? Do they do it throughout the meal, or just once or twice? If it bothers you enough, then you should consider going out with them less. Say something if you have nothing to lose by doing so. Everyone is so afraid of losing friends. But if a habit bothers you so much that you don’t like being with somebody, then why bother being with them? On the other hand, if it’s not that bad, then either let it go or make a joking comment like, “Hello? Still there?” Say it with benevolence and a smile, but still make the point.
I doubt that your friends are bored with your company. After all, they’re also free to do other things as an alternative to getting together with you, so it stands to reason that they like you and your partner.
Interestingly, you’re not the first woman to ask me about this issue. I know that some women say they don’t look, but many have admitted that they sneak a peek more often than not. They must be forming those opinions somewhere! But when it comes to sneaking a peek, we have to distinguish between annoyance and offense. If someone’s distracted and looks away while you talk, then that’s annoying. But it’s not necessarily a personal attack or a reason to take offense.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’m in an awkward position regarding my long-time girlfriend and her single, 20-something daughter. We invited the daughter to spend a week with us over the holidays. On two occasions when she and I were alone, she made suggestive comments and advances which surely qualified as “making a pass” at me. Not only did I have no idea that she was anything other than straight, but I consider her behavior to be completely unacceptable. When the three of us are together, things are perfectly platonic as she prattles on about her boyfriends. Now I feel uncomfortable with them both.
Dr. Hurd replies:
There’s only one answer to this: Tell your partner you’re uncomfortable. This is based on three assumptions: First, you should be able to tell her anything. Isn’t that what spouses and partners are for?
Second, you do your girlfriend no favors by shielding her from the truth. Reality is still what it is whether you say anything to her or not. And reality has a way of showing up sooner or later. When it does, do you expect her to thank you for hiding the truth? Would you thank her if the situation were reversed?
Third, you don’t owe her daughter anything. Think about the difficult position she’s putting you in. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. What was she expecting? Perhaps in some bizarre, yet strangely understandable way she wants to be exposed. People use bad judgment, but frankly most people are not that stupid. I maintain that she knows what she’s doing. She’s not going about it in the most sensible way, but she has her reasons.
You and her mother have been led to believe she’s straight, but now she’s coming out with the truth. Why she’s reluctant to simply admit it directly is anybody’s guess, but I suspect that she might be unhappy with her true sexual orientation. Either way, my point remains: You owe her nothing.
If you’re that uncomfortable, your girlfriend might have already picked up on something. Chances are she has no idea of the truth, and she’s going to interpret your discomfort as something personal having to do with her. Don’t let that happen. Your relationship is the most important thing here, and in fact, on some twisted level, her daughter might even be trying to break the two of you up.
Open and honest communication works every time. The short-term results may not be pretty, but it beats playing make-believe.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach, and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to DrHurd@DrHurd.com. Email Dr. Hurd