You Can Feel How You Want to Feel / You Won’t Know Unless You Ask
Dear Dr. Hurd,
Two high-school friends and I have rented a beach house for the summer. We make great roommates. However, I have become better friends with one of them, and I am developing feelings for her. But I can’t tell if she knows this. I’m fairly shy, and I have trouble expressing my feelings—especially when I’m unsure if they are mutual. But we are here for the summer either way, and I want to tell her that if she doesn’t feel the same, it’s OK and we can still be friends. But not being able to tell her is causing me anxiety. Help!
Dr. Hurd replies,
Here’s a little exercise that often works in these situations: Try writing out an imaginary conversation between you and this friend. Make yourself identify what you would say, what you think she’d say in reply, etc. I call this process “emotional rehearsal.” Don’t show her what you write; just use it as a way to process your feelings. You can also try this with a counselor or other trusted confidante. It’s the same principle, only verbal.
Let’s face it: Life involves risk. “No risk, no gain,” they say. It might feel like more of a risk to tell her how you feel than it actually is, but it’s still a gamble. If you tell her how you feel and she doesn’t feel the same, then it might make it awkward to be friends and roommates with her. But isn’t it awkward already? I’m not telling you what to do; I’m just suggesting that you consider the issue from every direction.
Awkwardness is partially a choice. If things are awkward after you tell her you like her and she doesn’t feel the same, it’s probably because she’s worried she has hurt your feelings. If you make it (very) clear that you’re perfectly OK with her response, then it doesn’t have to be so awkward. We do choose our feelings, to some extent. Feelings are a result of the way we choose to look at things. In spite of today’s conventional “wisdom,” we are not helpless victims of our emotions. In other words, you don’t have to feel awkward if you don’t want to, and she won’t feel that way either if you don’t.
Too many of us go through life refusing to take risks, even ones that we have rationally thought out. But living with regret is its own kind of risk! Letting regrets pile up over time is not comfortable. So before you avoid risk just on principle, make sure you consider all possible outcomes. Choose the one that seems the most plausible, then act on it.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I am a Realtor. I am fortunate to have a small group of close friends, and we get together often. One of our group recently listed her condo—with another agent. Though I admit that she never made any sort of commitment to me (she didn’t say anything, in fact), I am angry and hurt and I can’t shake the feeling. We all went out last night and it has affected the way I relate to her. I don’t want to cause any stress or unpleasantness, but I can’t let this go.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Stop awfulizing. Stop catastrophizing. Therapists use words like these to show how emotions can often make things seem worse than they actually are. I completely understand why you’re confused and a little hurt that your friend didn’t hire you as her listing agent. Your feelings make total sense. But if you want to feel better, then you need to move past the feelings and muster the courage to simply ask her why she didn’t approach you about selling her condo. Don’t be angry, offensive, or accusatory. Just find a good moment. Relax. Take a deep breath, and ask.
It will be interesting to hear her response. You said she’s a good friend. Good friends deserve the benefit of the doubt. Assume she had a valid reason for choosing another Realtor. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not necessarily a commentary on your work. Some people believe in never mixing business and friendship. Agree or disagree, what’s wrong with that as a motive?
If she’s really the friend you say she is, she will have a good reason. Maybe she was worried that it was inappropriate to ask a friend for business help. Maybe she knows how real estate transactions can sometimes be (I’m sure you do!) and she didn’t want to risk the friendship over the possibility of a deal going bad. Did she make a mistake by not at least talking to you first? Probably so. But it doesn’t make her a horrible person. And it doesn’t make you a horrible person for wanting to know her reasoning.
Stop trying to shake the feeling of being upset over this. It’s OK to be upset. And it’s also OK to ask a perfectly reasonable question without coming across as offensive or angry. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You’ll feel better, and she will understand.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.