Bossy Therapist = Bad Therapy / Pretty Pictures vs. The Real Thing
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I have been seeing the same therapist for seven years. She usually gives me good guidance and we talk about everything. But I am beginning to wonder if I am relying on her too much.
I recently met a woman whom I really like, and my therapist immediately insisted that she see the two of us together. Frankly, the two of them didn’t get along very well. Now my therapist is telling me that this woman is “not good for me.” My girlfriend laughs and says my therapist is a control freak. Who do I believe?
Dr. Hurd replies,
When you go to a therapist, you’re not—or at least you shouldn’t be—subverting your independence. A good therapist helps you to be more in charge of yourself. The only way to lose that is to allow someone else to do your thinking for you.
I made this clear in my third book, Bad Therapy, Good Therapy (and How to Tell the Difference), available at my website, and I try to make it clear to all of my clients. I do not tell people what to do. When someone asks, “What should I do?” my first reply is, “Let’s review the facts.” And then we apply reason to those facts. I try to help people come to their own conclusions; hopefully rational and objective ones. A therapist is nothing more than a partner in thinking.
I find it intrusive and presumptuous that your therapist would immediately wish to see you and your new woman friend. I have known a number of therapists like that, and frankly I don’t care for them. A few years back, I had an acquaintance who relied on everything his therapist said. The therapist, who belonged to Alcoholics Anonymous like my acquaintance did, told him not to eat brownies at a Christmas party with even a little bit of rum in them. The fact was that my acquaintance never had a problem with alcohol abuse, but he wanted to follow the AA ideology—as well as his therapist’s directives. While no harm would come from avoiding alcohol-laced brownies, his lack of independent thinking troubled me a great deal. The fact that his therapist encouraged it troubled me even more.
Quite honestly, I’m thinking the same thing about your therapist. But I don’t want to do your thinking for you. Weigh the pros and cons of staying with this therapist. At a minimum, be more willing to disagree with her in the future.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
After living alone for several years, I have finally met a guy who is special. During the time I was living alone, I used my computer and other “visual aids”—quite often—to assist in achieving sexual gratification. The problem now is that I find it difficult to respond normally and physically to my new friend unless I conjure up these computer/magazine images in my mind, rather than deriving my pleasure totally from him. This makes me feel guilty and that I am somehow “cheating” on him. How do I get myself back to normal?
Dr. Hurd replies,
Get out of the guilt mode and enter the solution mode. Guilt is like anxiety: It disturbs concentration and motivation. Guilt certainly has its place, and in this case it has alerted you to a contradiction. On the one hand, you continue to enjoy a certain kind of gratification from online adult images or videos. On the other hand, you now enjoy a different kind of gratification with your new-found love. If you could make the two work together, that might be fine. But as you’ve discovered, energy from one takes energy away from the other. This is not a cause for saying, “Shame, shame.” It’s simply a cause for resolving the problem.
You’re the only person with yourself 24/7. Only you can alter behaviors you engage in while alone. Don’t look for the magical answer that will somehow make you change without your own consent. It’s up to you to make changes that are in your self-interest.
If you take a break from your visual aids—let’s say 30 days, like alcoholics or drug abusers do—then you might be surprised how your brain adjusts. It’s kind of like overeating: The less you eat, the less you find you need, and the more you enjoy what you do eat. It seems counterintuitive when you’re in the compulsive “gratify, gratify” cycle, but it often works. Try for yourself and see.
When it comes to excessive or self-defeating behaviors, I’m a great fan of Rational Recovery (rational.org). As an alternative to the Twelve Step philosophy, they don’t require you to label yourself an addict. They simply help you take charge of your thinking and your desires. Their website points out that only you can control what you do with your hands; what you put into your mouth or into your brain. Of course this is heresy to advocates of the AA model, and I’m ready for the hostile mail that will certainly come my way. But facts are facts: We are the only ones with ourselves 24/7, and if we want to change something badly enough, we can.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.