LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
CAMPTalk: Looking for laughs in all the wrong places |
by Bill Sievert |
Sigh. I promised myself (and editor Steve) after last issue's oh-so serious column about Iraq that I would come up with something lighthearted and humorous for this issue of Letters. But here it is, deadline day, and I'm having a tough time conjuring up a funny story to tell.
I have been amused by a TV promotion for Bob Hope's 100th Birthday Celebration. In it, late-night talk-show host Conan O'Brien gushes that Hope is "the greatest entertainer of this century." What century are you living in, Conan? Unfortunately, the mention of Hope always reminds me of war, a rather "hopelessly" sad and wasteful way to resolve international differences especially when it's a military mismatch. I do find it amusing that so many political conservatives who only a couple years ago were lambasting the Clinton administration for allegedly undermining the Pentagon's budget are now singing the praises of the mightiest military force the world has ever seen. Pretty quick recovery! Wish the economy could turnaround so fast. But that joke's about as lame as the faltering attempts of Letterman and Leno to make light of the government's conduct of the war. They're being ultra-cautious, it seems, realizing that it is career-threatening for a celebrity to engage in political satire these days. Usually, I can find plenty of grist for the humor mill simply by watching the show-biz news on Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood. So, I took a look at those shows the other day for inspiration. Lead news blurb: "CBS is airing a bio-pic about the doctor who had to treat her own cancer while working in Antarctica. It stars Academy Award winner Susan Sarandon..." I've always enjoyed Sarandon's work; she was so much fun to watch in Thelma and Louise and last year's The Banger Sisters. To have her star in a TV movie is a coup for quality television except for the fact that rightwing organizations and cable commentators were urging a national boycott of the broadcast. It seems that many American patriots have vowed never to watch Sarandon act again because of her suggestion that waging war on Iraq might not be the best way to solve that nation's problems. OK, there's not much humor there. Maybe the next story... Blurb two: "The Baseball Hall of Fame has cancelled a special tribute to the movie Bull Durham because actors Tim Robbins and Susan..." Let's move on. Blurb three: "Madonna has shelved the video for her new American Life after reports circulated that it was critical..." Where's my remote-control clicker? Blurb four: "A trio of hit-making country singers continues to be shell-shocked weeks after their lead singer made an off-hand comment about George Bush." Until I heard their remake of Stevie Nicks' song "Landslide" on the radio, I had never given much thought to the Dixie Chicks (especially with a name that, in the day, would have infuriated feminists). But their new album, "Home," is terrific, and I was delighted when it soared up the charts to number one. However, now the real landslide is underway. More albums are being burned than at any time since John Lennon compared the Beatles' popularity to that of Jesus. Fortunately, the controversy did nothing to slow down the Fab Four's careers. Maybe the Dixie Chicks will overcome, too. Still, there's not much to laugh about in this story either. Maybe after the commercial break... Blurb five: "Although arts groups and historical organizations all over the world had pleaded with the White House to protect Baghdad's museums, there was no American military presence when looters emptied the Iraq National Museum of extraordinary treasures of ancient Babylonian, Sumerian and Assyrian cultures, collections chronicling the region's role as the cradle of civilization millennia ago." Maybe I can find something funny here. Let's see. Lawlessness in the wake of the U.S. invasion has rocked the cradle... Groan. How about: When Bob Hope first played the Hanging Gardens of Babylon... I turned off the TV, all blurbed out. I decided to go online and look up some of my old humorous columns at www.camprehoboth.com. CAMP has one of the best Websites around, and on it you'll find every feature article and column Letters has published for the past half-dozen years. There's really a lot of terrific writing in those archives, including Fay Jacobs' delicious diaries of quotidian life at the beach and Kristin Minor's perceptive reports on the trials and tribulations of being a gay student. You'll also find all four years of my columns on such weighty matters as America's preoccupation with cheese, gay beer, armchair surfing, and the nuisances of cell phones in the sand. With a couple clicks on the Back Issues icon, you can also read Mubarak Dahir's "Hear Me Out" columns, with his often remarkable stories about what it's like to be gay and Arab. Of course, those columns aren't especially comical, just insightful. Hmmm. Is "Gayrab" funny? Or am I looking for laughs in all the wrong places? One Website that has managed to maintain a cutting sense of humor, even as the forces of faux patriotism aspire to reactivate the old House Un-American Activities Committee, is John Wooden's www.whitehouse.org. If you haven't visited it, be prepared to spend at least an hour pouring through hilarious satires of news articles from the Bush administration, presented in a format resembling an actual government Website. (The real White House has tried to shut down the site, but hasn't found the legal grounds yet.) You'll find up-to-the-minute reports on White House positions regarding the Middle East, such as the following (excerpted) statement by President Bush to the Iraqi people: "Going forward, as you celebrate your blood-drenched freedom by joyously frolicking in feces-contaminated drinking water, rest assured that America is with you for the long haul. Our armies of compassionate missionaries and CEO carpetbaggers are already en route, and look forward to long and financially lopsided relationships with your fun-to-conquer and increasingly Christian peoples. You deserve to enjoy free colonialized lives, unthreatened by your neighbors Syria and Iran. And with the 2004 election still two years away, rest assured that at least one of those suckers is going down, too." Jerry Falwell also discusses his daily prayer breakfasts with the President. "It's true that Jesus instructs us to love our enemies, but that doesn't mean we have to like them. In complete obedience to the Lord Jesus, I can tell you, I love to see my enemies dead. As a Christian, the President knows that Jesus will eventually slaughter them all and burn them in Hell. We're just trying to speed up the process." Amen, there truly is always something to laugh about.Former Rehoboth resident Bill Sievert has written about social causes since the 1960s; send your hate mail to him at allforthecause@aol.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 13, No.4, May 2, 2003 |