LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
My Queer Life: Size Matters |
by Michael Thomas Ford |
Researchers at the Kinsey Institute recently announced, after a study of some 1500 male college students, that the length of the average mans penis has been downsized from 6.16 inches to 5.2 inches. As you can imagine, this reevaluation of the male member is is of no little importance. Around the world, men are rejoicing in the fact that they have now become either closer to average or another inch or so beyond it. Not since the release of Viagra has male self-esteem been at such a high. But Im not so sure its all good news, especially to those of us who have a special interest in the rating system for male endowment. I am speaking, of course, of size queens. I must confess I am one. I know, its shameful and wrong. But there you are. I like big ones. Not that I have anything against little ones, medium ones, or sort of big ones, mind you. Theyre all fine in my book, and I welcome their company. But the really big ones have, well, a special appeal. And after years of exacting scientific research, I have come to one undeniable conclusion: men lie about how big they are. I have yet to meet the man who has never checked to see how he measures up. Its one of those things that guys just do, like drinking right out of the milk carton and not asking for directions. At some point in every mans life there is a moment when he just has to know just how many inches hes packing. And inevitably, hes disappointed at the results. Before measuring, you can look at your pride and joy resting in your hand and think about how impressive it looks all puffed up and at the ready. But then out comes the tape measure, and you realize that an inch is a lot longer than you thought it was. Staring down at the numbers, you convince yourself that surely theres something missing. Maybe a number was left out by accident during the production process. Or perhaps inches are shorter in Taiwan or China or wherever the measuring apparatus was manufactured. So you measure again. Maybe you try forcing more blood down there, hoping the exertion will push you past the magic number you have in your head. If that fails, theres always measuring from different angles, or holding in your stomach to give you an extra half an inch or so. According to the Kinsey researchers, the proper way to measure the length of a penis is along the top, from the point it joins the body to the tip. Im glad they set some ground rules about this, because some of the men I know clearly have been using most unusual methods. One gentleman of my acquaintance claimed to log in at 9 inches which, after getting a look at him, I knew simply wasnt true. Finally, after pressing, he admitted that he had measured along the bottom, apparently starting at his prostate. "Maybe the tape measure slipped back a little," he said sheepishly as I docked him three inches. For size queens, the biggest controversy surrounding this average length question concerns the descriptive phrase "well-hung." Carrying with it a sense of mystery and adventure, this classification can elicit enthusiastic reactions when used judiciously in personal ads, general conversation, and chat rooms of the sexual variety. For most of us, it implies that the users penis stretches significantly over that magic average mark. But how far is far enough, especially now that the Kinsey people have lowered the bar? Is a man hefting 10.3 inches of joy more well-hung than one waving 6.9? Or is it simply a question of degree, with anything over 5.2 being technically equal to 11.8? You can see the dilemma, and those of us concerned about this matter are lobbying for clarification. Yes, this obsession with size isnt very healthy, and I admit that bigger doesnt always mean better. Ive met more than one well-endowed fellow who thinks hes done his duty simply by being blessed with generous proportions. This type generally lies back as if youve come for an audience with the Pope, waiting for you to kiss it and ask for a blessing. And then theres the whole maintenance issue. I once dated a wonderful fellow who was simply huge all over. The only problem was, it took all the blood in his body to maintain his erections. Whenever he got hard, his eyes glazed over and getting him to process even simple sentences was impossible. I was always afraid that in his effort to keep it up he would pass out and Id have a lot of explaining to do to the paramedics. Frankly, I think this decreased penis length figure is all a new marketing strategy. Condom manufacturers have long known that making men think theyre bigger than they are will increase sales. So they make their regular condoms smaller, forcing their once average-sized customers to instead buy the "King Size" or "Magnum" varieties, and gladly. What guy wouldnt be proud to slap a box of "Stallion Super-Duper Extra Wides" on the checkout counter? Little does he know that the contents are the same 6-inch condoms that used to appear in the plain old blue box he was mortified to be seen buying. In the end, I suppose guys can call themselves whatever they want to. Its not as if you can hide a length deficiency when the actual unveiling comes. And really, once youve gotten to that point, how many men are actually going to get up and leave because of a slight size exaggeration? I know I wouldnt. Probably. But be warned: until theres a stricter rating system, Im carrying around a tape measure, and I know how to use it. Michael Thomas Fords new book, Thats Mr. Faggot to You, will be invading stores shortly. He welcomes e-mail at Shopiltee@aol.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 3, April 9, 1999 |