LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
CAMP Out |
by Fay Jacobs |
Mermaids and Satyrs Unite! You know, sometimes I grapple for days to think of a topic for this column and sometimes one just falls kerplunk into my lap. So it was recently when I heard about Sen. Sam Brownback and his new legislation to ban the creation of half human-half animal hybrids. Where to start? First off, it's too late. Brownback himself is half-human, half-jackass, so what's the point? But it's hard for me to believe that this Republican anti-stem cell activist is spending his senate time worrying about scientists creating centaurs and mermaids when he really should be worrying about the state of the union. Hey, Sam, I know there's a lot of talk about hybrids in Washington, but I really don't think they are talking about half-human, half birdbrain. In case you care, it's been done: George Bush. If you think I am kidding, this is real legislation being proposed by Brownback and 20, count 'em 20 senators to ban the creation of "part-human, part-animal creatures, which are created in laboratories, and blur the line between species." When it comes to blurring the line between species, Ann Coulter has been blurring the line between human and cockroach for years. Truly, you gotta admire the gumption of these legislators to introduce the Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009. According to Brownback, "Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice." No, a violation of human dignity is marriage inequality in this country while human-stud horse hybrids like Senators Mark Sanford and John Ensign continue to reap the legal benefits of wedded bliss. I don't know what's so wrong with these mix and match species anyway. You've got the hilarious Bruce Vilanch, who will be appearing at the Convention Center on August 15 (I can get a plug in anywhere!) who is a delightful human-teddybear hybrid, while on occasion, like at a buffet, I fall into the human-sow category. And who hasn't enjoyed Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman? From what I understand, Brownback got on this kick because of his background in agriculture, working to produce superior snap peas. For him it was a quick jump from frozen vegetables to mermaids and satyrs. The world is full of scary, serious, life-threatening problems, and Brownback is worrying about, glub...mermaids? Bette Midler should sue for defamation. Okay, I get the mermaid thing. We'd have to be pretty sure they'd come out of the test tube looking like Darryl Hannah and not some icky-sweet Disney creature, but I think it's worth the risk. And your satyrsfor heaven's sakeBrownback is worried about satyrs? According to mythology, satyrs are half man, half goat with a love for wine and a huge sexual appetite. This is Rehoboth, people! Aqua? Blue Moon? Cloud 9? We love our local satyrs! Gee, we haven't even talked about the half-human, half ostrich. Wouldn't that be Sarah Palin teaching her kids abstinence? In his own words, Brownback says, "You could make a change now that could be passed along through the gene-pool for the rest of humanity. We do not know what the full effect of this could be." Oh yes we do, look at the gene pool that produced Dick Cheney. In defending this ridiculous bill, Brownback has said, "What was once only science fiction is now becoming a reality, and we need to ensure that experimentation and subsequent ramifications do not outpace ethical discussion...History does not look kindly on those who violate the dignity of the human person." Really? How about violating the dignity of the half-gay, half-soldier? Senator Brownback is so worried about labs producing half man, half sheep, that his entire delegation is willing to act like sheep-men and vote in lock-step against the dignity of the human gay person. I'm not letting the cat-woman out of the bag here when I tell you that Brownback has long had some pretty weird ideas. He's the guy who wanted to abolish the departments of education, energy and commerce, not to mention what seems like a really fantastic idea now: putting social security money into the stock market. He'd probably have trusted part-human, part-shark Bernie Madoff. Now this goofball wants to spend our time and money going after mythical creatures. My idea of a mythical creature is a senator who works with both sides of the aisle to actually get something positive done for the tax payers. Seems as if those are as extinct as dodo birds and minotaurs. As Brownback says, "The Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009 works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life." Puleeze. But then, the legislation does ban minotaurs. You know, those creatures who are half man, half-bull. Brownback is banning himself. What a splendid idea.
Fay Jacobs is the author of As I Lay Fryinga Rehoboth Beach Memoir and Fried & TrueTales from Rehoboth Beach. Contact her at www.fayjacobs.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 19, No. 10 July 31, 2009 |