LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
High CAMP |
by Brent Mundt |
Liquid Plumber: The Justifiable Water Boarding of Joe
No one today should be allowed to say to a reporter that gay people shouldn't be allowed "anywhere near my children." And that's what Joe the Plumber says to his gay "friends." So put Joe the Plumber on Comic Wanda Sykes' list of water board interrogation recipientsshe started her list at the recent White House Press Dinner. Who knew that the conservatives' plumber prince of common sense would stoop to the lowest common denominator so quickly? When he had the gall to actually say something so idiotic, one would fully expect Dick Cheney to step forward and growl, "My daughter is raising my grandsonand she's a lesbian." But since that's about as likely to happen as Bristol Palin marrying the father of her own child, we better have a fall back position. Let's see, we could quote the statistics that the overwhelming cases of pedophilia are straight males abusing young females (is this hitting too close to heterosexual home Joe? Are you worried about the Bubbas, now?) Or, if its influence you're worried abouti.e.; your kids might get "ideas" that they're gay if they see uswe could argue the "nature vs. nurture" rule that your kids orientation is in their DNA from birth. Sadly, I doubt a fool in a tool belt will listen. But, actually water boarding Joe the Plumber would be too obvious. Water would roll right off his empty forehead. Too easy. No, let's use a more creative enhanced interrogation technique. I propose torture by Zaza. That's right: Joe is sentenced to spend a semester with La Cage aux Folles' heroine, Zaza. Zaza, a drag queen is the stepfather to a young man, Jean Michel, who has loved him/her like a parent for all of his life. His father Georges and Zaza have been together for two decades. When society and peer pressure lean heavily upon the poor young man to reject his stepfather, despite every human instinct, he leans that way to keep the girl he loves and the approval of his future in-laws. The plot thickens and with heartbreak just around the corner, Georges visits with Jean Michel in a restaurant. Zaza sits at a nearby table, awaiting word whether he'll even be invited to the wedding. Georges sings to his son When your world spins too fast When your bubble has burst Someone puts themselves last So that you can come first So count all the loves who will love you from now 'til the rest of your life And when you have added the ones who have loved you before Look over there. Look over there. Somebody loves you more. Love isn't defined by your straight and narrow rules, Joe. Lyricist Jerry Herman speaks about opening night of La Cage and his worry that straight audiences wouldn't get it. He found himself a seat in the middle of the house on an aisle where he could pan the audience reaction. During an earlier romantic song, he saw a heterosexual couple in their seventies seated nearby look at each other and hold hands. He knew then that La Cage would have a great run. Few people are as brilliant as Mr. Herman, and maybe it's Zaza's complete over-the-top persona that will grab you by the lapels and set you straight. I mean gay. Can you imagine? A sentence to spend time with Zaza and the plumber will sing like a canary at the end of this master class. The lesson in who should be allowed near your children begins here, Joe. But if that doesn't do it, let me tell you about my great niece, Evie. She's my nephew's first born. At two years old, Evie already knows three "funny uncles." My nephew married a woman who has a gay uncle, tooand he and his partner are very involved in Evie's life. That's three "guncles" for little Evieand she seems to be coping just fine, thank you very much. Kids are supposed to be our salvation, Joe. They will shed homophobia like our generation tried to shed racism. Unlike Bristol Palin's little infant, Evie will grow up knowing gay peopleor, as Streisand sings, people who need people. But we aren't the luckiest people in the world, Joe. Life (and plumbers) often kick us in the shins, diminish our self worth and attempt to make us feel lonesome and ashamed. On the positive sideit builds character, brings incredibly deep bonds of friendshipand I'm sure you've heard, we have GREAT parties. So, since you gave your definition of "queer" in your interview, Zaza wants you to now define "friend" as your homo-homework assignment. She wants to know what gay "friend" of yours would enter your ornery little orbit under the condition that they not be allowed near your kids. Here's what Webster's says: Friend: noun a) one attached to another by affection or esteem; b) one that is not hostile. I can't even count the number of true friends I have with children, Joe. I do know that they wouldn't be friends if they told me that I couldn't be myself near their kids. So I'll leave you with ZazaI am what I am I don't want praise I don't want pity We won't torture you, Joe. Now, quit torturing us with a rank and vile prejudice that holds no water. Brent Mundt makes a living in Washington and a life in Rehoboth Beach. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 19, No. 05 May 22, 2009 |