You Ain’t Foolin’ Nobody, plus Toy Story
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend of 12 years has two teenage sons from his previous marriage. The kids and I get along perfectly. However, when they come to visit us here in Rehoboth, my partner insists that he and I go to bed in separate bedrooms. Now get ready for this: After an hour or so, he tiptoes back into our room—like he’s fooling somebody.
The boys are not stupid. I’m not sure what he thinks he’s accomplishing, but he’s certainly sending a message that he’s ashamed of whatever we’re “doing.” I’m sure that’s compounded when they hear him sneaking back upstairs.
I go along with it to keep the peace, but I’m getting sick of his delusional play-acting.
Dr. Hurd replies:
I’ve actually heard parents say, “Reason and logic are great, except when it comes to your children.” I’m not a parent myself, but I never understood this. If reason and logic are important, then shouldn’t they matter in the area of greatest importance, your kids?
It sounds like your partner is one of those parents. He’s acting on his emotions without regard to facts and ridiculous contradictions. People say we’re supposed to support others’ feelings at all times, but I say that it depends. If those emotions make sense, then fine. But nothing your partner is doing makes any sense.
If he loves his children, he should not insult them by “protecting” them from the truth, especially when the truth is the love he has for you and the acceptance he (supposedly) enjoys from them.
His actions are inconsistent with that truth. He probably thinks he’s being practical. I hear that all the time from people who rationalize violations of their integrity as “the practical thing.” The fallacy boils down to, “Of course I couldn’t say what I think. What if it makes someone mad? Or hurts their feelings?”
And so it’s better to lie to them? Seriously? Can a gay person, of all people, actually believe this?
In engineering, integrity is what holds your automobile together and keeps a bridge from falling. In a person, integrity holds the psyche and character together. Sounds to me like integrity is indeed a practical thing.
Your partner is not only sending the message that he’s ashamed, but he’s creating unnecessary stress. If he’s uncomfortable with who he is, then he should take a look at what makes him so uncomfortable, i.e., his same-sex relationship. People are supposed to share and celebrate what makes them comfortable and happy.
I hardly believe that he doesn’t know every word of this already. I know you feel you’re keeping the peace, but I don’t define “peace” as living a lie.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My girlfriend and I have a pretty good “private” life together. But after eight years, things have gotten somewhat routine. On our anniversary, I went out and bought some very cute…shall we say…“marital aids.” I thought it would add a little excitement to our bedroom activities.
In a word, she went ballistic! She got mad at me and acted insulted, saying, “You only want me so you can use this stuff!” I tried to explain that I just wanted to spice things up a little, but she was having none of it.
Of course, many of these…shall we say…“items” are not returnable, so I’m stuck with this box of colorful toys and she’s still not over her indignation. What is wrong with her?
Dr. Hurd replies:
The key is to find out how your girlfriend interpreted your actions. There’s obviously a Grand Canyon-sized discrepancy between what you intended and what she inferred. That’s OK. The key is to not make things worse by trying to defend yourself for what she assumes were your motives for buying the toys.
She either misunderstood, or doesn’t believe your stated intentions. Try this: Ask her to write down what she thought you intended to communicate. Then, you write down what you actually did intend. Exchange the notes and then discuss it calmly, without interruption. This exercise often clears up simple misunderstandings. Hire a professional therapist if you both think it will help.
My guess is that your girlfriend thinks you’re trying to tell her she’s not a good lover. But all you told me was that things have become routine. Routine does not necessarily mean bad, but it usually does mean unsatisfying. To say that your love life is unsatisfying is not the same as saying she’s a bad lover.
In fact, your decision is a compliment, if not maybe a bit backhanded. It implies that your sex life has become routine, but that you’re confident that the both of you can make it better. You wouldn’t say this to someone who was a bad lover. It’s like adding spice to a dish: You don’t bother wasting spice if the food is bad. You add it to enhance what you already like.
Give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt, and don’t go on the defensive. Ask her to do the same by at least considering that she misinterpreted your intentions.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. Dr. Hurd can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email Dr Hurd