Big-Name Problems / Meow!
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My partner and I are planning on getting married and we agree on pretty much everything, except for one issue: Her desire to hyphenate our last names. We both have long, somewhat difficult-to-pronounce last names and a hyphenated version would be unwieldy at best, and at worst will sound like some horrific disease. I have no desire to go the hyphenated route; personally I find it pretentious and a bit affected—especially with names like ours. But she cannot live without it. On top of that, changing one’s name legally is a massive undertaking. She talks about it so much I don’t even know how to bring it up to her and my comments about it have been ignored.
Dr. Hurd replies,
The hardest part is the first step: Breaking the news to her that you don’t like the idea. Just be direct and get it over with; like pulling off a Band-Aid. You probably think you’ve already tried to tell her. However, when you’re telling someone something they do not wish to hear, you have to speak with unusual directness and clarity.
Tell her you don’t like the way your name sounds when it’s hyphenated. Tell her you’re not comfortable doing it. Ask her for her respect and support in your decision, just as you’ll give her that same respect and support with her own. Give her some emotional room and time to react. Don’t get defensive or hostile, but hold your ground calmly and with strength.
The issue here is that you’re both still individuals. Your name is your own. A name is highly personal and, yes, it is all about you and it’s supposed to be! Should she give up her choice to hyphenate her name? No. But neither should you force yourself to do what you don’t want. You’re equals in this partnership.
The strength of her desire suggests that she has a deeper issue. Try to find out what it is. Maybe, in her eyes, it’s a way to show your love for one other. Hear her out. Who knows? Maybe she’ll even convince you to go her route. I doubt it, but it’s important that you truly listen and try to understand. Otherwise you’ll make a rough situation much worse.
It’s actually good that this happened. This is a first test for any new marriage. It’s an opportunity to compromise while still respecting each other’s autonomy and integrity. Marriage is great, but we’re all still individuals. That’s the bottom line.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’ve lived in Rehoboth Beach for several years and I have noticed what appears to be a pattern: It seems that the people who are the most critical and, for lack of a better word, “catty,” are gay people. And that criticism, and often downright meanness, appears to be directed toward their fellow gays and lesbians. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that people who are members of a minority would naturally help one another and not be so critical of one another. But, at least in my experience, that is not always the case. Is this typical of all minorities?
Dr. Hurd replies,
A lot of people have issues with self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem. When these issues are not addressed, they have to manifest themselves somehow. Probably the most common way to express these issues (albeit subconsciously) is by attacking or putting down other people. There’s a type of person who needs to put others down in order to feel better about him- or herself. There are not only a lot of them in the gay community, but also in the world-at-large.
There’s a term in psychological literature called, “internalized homophobia.” It refers to a person who’s gay and has a certain amount of self-loathing because of that very fact. It’s possible that someone with this problem lashes out at fellow gay people precisely because they are gay. Some mental health professionals speculate that members of oppressed minority groups (racial or religious, not only sexual) will tend to take that hostility out on people of their own kind.
However, this is only one explanation and it’s very hard to prove—especially if you don’t know all the intimate and inner workings of a person’s psychological make-up. Many other explanations are possible, stemming from one’s own insecurities, family/relationship experiences and the like.
The perceived need to take out one’s insecurities on others is most certainly not just a gay/lesbian issue. All human beings are subject to it, and I suspect that in a relatively closed system like a gay community, or any small town for that matter, you’re more likely to notice it.
All that being said, my advice is to try and see it for what it is. Cattiness serves a purpose: Putting others down for the sake of inflating oneself. It backfires on its own terms, however, as it doesn’t inflate the perpetrator; it just deflates everyone else. Keep your distance and don’t treat this small-mindedness as any more important than it really is.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.