I Hate Jacquie Lawson
Dogs and cats decorate a snowman while music from Chopin plays. Teddy bears ring in the holidays with hand bells. Orange and red leaves swirl about on a windy day before slowly and gently falling down into a pile and morphing into a classic Thanksgiving cornucopia.
Unless you’re a Luddite or a recluse, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of such a sickly-sweet animated electronic holiday greeting card from the one and only Jacquie Lawson.
I try to ignore them when they arrive, really I do, but Jacquie Lawson and her cronies won’t let me. Somehow they know I haven’t opened the e-card because they send me congenial reminder emails to that fact—even after I have deleted the offensive card from my inbox. I’m certain the sender must be receiving a similar note saying what a curmudgeon I am for not reading the charming holiday card selected especially for me.
The scolding little emails keep showing up until finally I can’t take it anymore and I click on the card just to stop Jacquie’s harassment. As I watch a petite fairy light up a Christmas tree with the tap of her wand, I am not filled with holiday cheer, but rather with an embarrassed irritation, sort of like when I discover a cheap old bottle of white wine in the back of the fridge and decide to drink it anyway only to discover it’s skunked.
The sour aftertaste of guilt lingers because while I feel compelled to send a thank you email to the sender, I most certainly do not want to encourage this kind of behavior.
Damn you, Jacquie Lawson!
Okay, that might be a tad harsh, especially for a holiday column, but I’m certain some of you know what I mean.
I’m sure Jacquie Lawson is a lovely woman. She is, in fact, a 69 year-old artist and grandmother who resides in a 15th century cottage in West Sussex (England, not Delaware). She loves dogs and cats, and she travels around England visiting manor houses and gardens in search of inspiration for her cards.
According to her website, Jacquie Lawson got her first computer in 1998 and sent her first animated holiday e-card out to friends in 2000. Much to her surprise, the card went viral. People asked for more and she gave them what they wanted.
Well-designed and with attention to detail, Jacquie Lawson e-cards today rank among the most popular in the business. Some estimates put the net worth of her empire at $23 million. And speaking of millions, Jacquie is worth many. She keeps a small staff and doesn’t advertise, preferring to rely on word of mouth and memberships from her legion of cult-like fans.
Jacquie Lawson isn’t the only source for electronic greeting cards. It just seems that way. Hallmark and American Greetings are the industry giants, but hundreds of companies participate in the e-card business. Blue Mountain is one of the biggest and many say it started the e-card market back in the late 90s during the dotcom boom when serious capital began moving into Internet-based businesses. Now part of American Greetings, Blue Mountain offers customers a way to design their own cards and even send cards that talk— you create the words. And, of course, there are a growing number of apps available so you can send your holiday cards via smart phone. Some even specialize in irreverent and rude humor.
With all this choice, why then do I only seem to get Jacquie Lawson e-cards?
I’d much rather receive Christmas cards with awkward family photos or the oft-jeered “round robin” Christmas letters. Heck, even one of the new gay family-focused holiday cards showing two dads in red and green sweaters building a snowman with their two well-dressed ethnic children is better than a Jacquie Lawson card. And speaking of gay holiday cards, whatever happened to the lewd Santa cards with references to big packages and naughty boys I used to receive back in the 90s?
Who in their right mind thinks I would enjoy a Jacquie Lawson card? Just because I’ve been known to experiment with pumpkin cocktails during the holiday season does not mean I will appreciate a flash animation showing the “labor of love” that goes into the making of a pumpkin pie, accompanied to the tune of “She’ll be Coming ‘Round the Mountain.” The e-card with the turkeys dancing a French can-can, however, did make me smile….
Rich Barnett is the author of The Discreet Charms of a Bourgeois Beach Town. More Rich Barnett