I was with some friends at the beach the other day. We were doing exactly what everyone else does at the beach. We were working on our sun tans. We were trying to "beat the heat" by braving the cool ocean waters. And we were checking out the bodies of the sunbathers around us.
People are funny. To run out to the curb to pick up the morning newspaper, some folks have to get completely dressed (and to make sure that every hair is in place). They would never even consider running out to the street in their underwear. However, these same people go to the beach in suits that are more revealing than any "Fruit of the Loom" could ever be.
Unfortunately, many of these people dont have what it takes to wear the revealing suits that they choose. Or, more accurately, they have TOO much of what it takes! My friend Corey put it another way: "Those who can, wear Speedos. Those who cant, wear thongs!"
Before you think that I am coming down hard on those "less than perfect bodies", I have a confession to make: I am not a Speedo wearer myself. I also have never worn a thong, despite Coreys rule to the contrary. I wear the old-fashioned, boxer style of swimsuit. There are several good reasons for this fact. Number One: the boxer style is one that I have worn all my life. Im comfortable with it, and in it. Number Two: the boxer style is very versatile. I can wear the same swimsuit to a pool party for my mothers birthday, or to a gathering of friends on "Poodle Beach". Number Three: I am not a slave to fashion, and am secure enough in my self-image that I do not need to wear the latest trend in swimwear (at least thats what I discovered watching Oprah the other day!) And Number Four: Unfortunately, I AM a slave to junk food, and the boxer style of swimsuit fortunately can hide a multitude of sins!
My poor eating habits are the source of many jokes among my friends. Yes, I admit that there are mornings in which my breakfast consists of a pack of Tastykake Chocolate Cupcakes (just ask Doris or Lisette at the Royal Farms Convenience Store!) However, even I realize that Tastykakes dont make for a balanced breakfast. To have a balanced breakfast, you must be able to hold an equal portion of the same food in each of your two hands. Well, everyone knows that Tastykakes Chocolate Cupcakes come three-in-a-pack. Three cupcakes, go into two hands... unevenly. My solution? Eat one cupcake, and try again!
Besides breakfasting at Royal Farms, I have eaten at all the fast food restaurants around town. In some ways, I could even be considered a connoisseur of this type of establishment. Each fast food restaurant has its own special attraction for me. Of course, McDonalds is the biggest name in the business. While I am not particularly a fan of their food, I just love the McDonalds gift certificates they can be such a lifesaver when trying to finish your holiday shopping on December 24th! Wendys is close to my office, so its convenient. However, Dave Thomas and gang pulled their advertisements from the "Ellen" coming-out episodes, so it isnt politically correct to eat there. Arbys has the best chocolate milkshakes around, which is important to a chocolate lover like me. However, my favorite fast food restaurant would have to be Burger King. First, they have those wonderful crowns that they give away to the kids (and to adults if you ask for one!) And second, where else can you go, ask for a "Whopper", and no one looks at you funny?!?
The more that I think about it, I take exception to the phrase "junk food". What a politically incorrect term! Lets face it - most of our favorite foods from our childhood falls into this category. What about PEZ? Im sure that PEZ is mostly sugar and artificial coloring, but they come in such fun dispensers (like Batman and Robin, or the Tasmanian Devil). How could we resist? And does anyone remember "NowLaters"? I remember my Dad taking my brothers and me to the corner gas station, and buying us these chewy treats if we behaved. They came in a package of six individually wrapped candies, and the name of the candy came from its slogan: "Eat Some Now; Save Some for Later". Thats a nice thought if youre an only child, but it leaves something to be desired if you had brothers. I cannot remember the number of fights that started over exactly who owned the NowLaters that remained the next morning!
I think that the phrase "junk food" should be purged from our vocabulary. Remember Health Class back in school? The point emphasized over and over and over was "You Are What You Eat". So you can see my dilemma. If you are what you eat, and if I eat junk food... then, I am junk. Not a very healthy self-image, is it? Oprah would not be happy! Lets see... the politically correct term for junk food probably is "nutritionally challenged food". Thats not much of an improvement. I suggest that we rename it "casual food". Doesnt that sound better? It also makes my logical conclusion a little easier to swallow (so to speak). Instead of being "junk", now I am "casual". Not bad at all.
As I was writing those last lines, I reached over and took the last bite of a Chocolate Frosted Doughnut from Dunkin Donuts. Yes, that was one-third of my breakfast this morning. Even though Dunkin Donuts doughnuts are bought singly, I always buy them in threes (it must be a residual effect of eating Tastykakes for so long!) Now if we go back to that "you are what you eat" idea... doughnuts are sweet, and soft around the middle. I eat doughnuts. Therefore, I am sweet, and soft around the middle.
Oh my gosh, maybe my Health Teacher was right after all!
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7/25/97 Issue. Copyright 1997 by CAMP Rehoboth, Inc. All rights reserved.