LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Gay Uncles and Auntie Mame |
by Murray Archibald |
Last weekend one of my younger brothers and his wife, four boys, and the dog, came for a visit. I loved it! More than that, I needed it. It's good for me to be able to step outside of my routine and see the world through the eyes of a baby, or a three, six or nine year old. It was great--I had someone to play with! I love it when kids come to my studio--it always makes me see things in a new way. After they left to return to the Pennsylvania town where my brother is a college professor, I started thinking about what it means to be a gay uncle or aunt. Sure, we don't always have the responsibility that comes with raising a family but we still play a part in the lives of our nieces and nephews. Being gay gives us a unique perspective on life. It gives us the opportunity to share a new window through which to view the world. My partner Steve and I have been together almost 21 years. Within my family we are an accepted and loved couple--treated exactly the same way as my brothers and sister and their respective partners. It is fascinating to watch my sibling's children grow up in homes where being gay is just another part of life--though I'm sure it is not without a certain amount of internal conflict from time to time. For instance, when my oldest nephew was seven, it became obvious to us all that he was hearing one thing at home and quite another at school. That Christmas as we all assembled for the holidays, he let it be known that he wanted to talk to both of us--which he did, privately. To me he simply asked, "are you gay with Steve." I replied with a simple, "yes," not wanting to get into the fact that gay is not usually used as a verb. "Is that okay," he asked? I assured him that yes it was, and he seemed satisfied. There is, of course, still much to be said, but that will come as he and his brothers and sisters and cousins grow up and begin to learn more about sexuality. The important thing is that they are growing up in an environment full of positive, supportive and loving images--at least within their own homes. As to the rest of the world, we all know what that's like. Relatives of gay and lesbian people are often required to go through their own coming out experiences as they learn to stand up for the people they love. Hopefully it will make them--I should say, make all of us-- wiser and more accepting of people who are a little different from ourselves. From the time I was a young boy I had a great love for the theater--I guess my gay "genes" were always a snug fit, if you know what I mean. While I was in the fourth grade I was cast as the young Patrick Dennis in a community theater production of the wonderful play, Auntie Mame. The play ran for two weeks with performances every night, and I loved dragging myself to school every morning with just a touch of eyeliner lingering purposefully around my eyes--just enough to let all my classmates know how I was spending my very sophisticated and "adult" evenings. Oddly enough I was never persecuted for it. Perhaps my queer innocence gave me a certain boldness of the same type that drag queens are able to use to their benefit when placed in a hostile environment. My point in all this was the tremendous effect that the character of Auntie Mame was to have on the rest of my life. Because of my fourth grade experience I have always loved that glorious story of how one woman's outrageous zest for life was passed on to her nephew--and all those who came in contact with her. In the musical version, the words "open a new window, open a new door, travel a new highway that's never been tried before," become an anthem to anyone seeking to encourage creativity and individualism. For me, that is what it is all about to be a gay uncle or aunt. It's about opening that new window and filling it with all the possibilities of the universe and all the colors of the rainbow. In some ways it's about reaching into our past and recapturing the original meaning of the word gay. It's painting a bright picture about the possibilities of life and awakening young minds to thoughts and ideas about which they might never be exposed. Anytime we start talking about children and gay people, however, we run into the criticism of our conservative opponents who claim we are out to recruit young people. But that is not what I'm talking about--even if I believed it were possible to change one's sexual orientation at will. I'm not talking about a homosexual act or even any sexual act at all. I'm talking about what I think it means to be gay. I'm talking about the real role that gay people play within our culture. I'm talking about our abilities to awaken the dreamer--to be the real fairies and wizards whose "magic dust" is nothing more than the gift to make life sparkle and shine. We are the Peter Pans and the Auntie Mames. We are the Tinkerbells and the ruby slippers. We are the rainbows. We are the seeds--the catalyst--the creators of culture, the dreamers. Gay people are not the only ones to play this role in the world. But we are the ones who frequently are allowed the time to "color outside the lines," so to speak. We are the ones who can keep the essence of childhood alive. We are the ones who are free of the responsibilities of raising families--thus we have more time to spend developing a different type of creativity. And thus are we called upon to share the fruits of our creativity with the rest of the world. My sister and her husband have been married longer than Steve and I have been together, but they have no children. They are instead gifted with what I call a gay sensibility. They are heterosexual gay people. I my efforts to explore all this, I do want to say that I have enormous respect for my brothers and their families--for anyone who has children. Frankly, our dog Sam is about all we can handle on a regular basis--though I certainly don't mean to imply that gay and lesbian people don't make good parents. In fact, even as I write all of this I realize that my words contain a great many thoughts I would enjoy discussing in a creative, exploratory kind of group. All gay theory aside, however, I enjoy being a gay uncle. I enjoy my family and I like being able to share my life and my art and my creative energy with my nieces and nephews. I know that together we are able to find a balance that suits us. I know that we each bring something special to our family. I know that they learn from me and I from them. We would be less without each other. And so it is in the immortal words of the ever fabulous, Auntie Mame, "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Need I say more. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 10, July 30, 1999 |