CAMP Fitness: My Favorite Magazine
by Rick Moore
You know how you get when you're eagerly awaiting the latest issue of Gigantic Muscle Parts Magazine? You just can't wait to dig into it to find out the who, what, where, how and all the dirt from "muscle-dom." Never heard of this magazine? Well, let's take a gander and thumb through...
It always has an "in your face" glossy cover. This month's feature is the lingerie special! There's a scantily clad, very-well-endowed young lady on the cover coaxing all of us to turn to the centerfoldbut more on that later.
Of course, we start with the "letters department." All the letters thank the magazine's owner (guess who) for his training principles. They gush and rave about how he's changed their lives for the better. OK by me. But do all of the letters have to be about him? They call the letters section, "Talk Back," but none of them better dare, or else their letter won't be published.
Oh boynow comes the "News, Views, and Idol Gossip" section. Pro bodybuilders are a lot like pro wrestlers. There's always banter among the top proswho's better than who, who's bigger, who's coming back, who got second place and vows revenge on the winner, etc., etc. You expect to turn the page and see a picture of one guy hitting the other with a folding chair.
Waita shockerMr. Biggest Guy in the Universe has injured himself! But when you read on, you find out that somebody dropped a weight on his little toe, and it doesn't look good for the champ. He's fighting to hang in there because the Mr. Biggest Guy in the Universe Contest is just four months away! Will he have to cancel out? Will he make it? Stay tuned!!! I'm holding my breath!!!
Uh oh, more news. Remember that old washed-up-has-been bodybuilder from the early 80s who's making his fourth comeback? He vows to take first place in the contest. The current champ (see exciting photo) looks worried (or is it annoyed?). I can't wait for the outcome of this one!
OK now, pass over the 20 pages of supplement ads, and we come to the results of the Biggest Gal in the Universe Contest, chock full of pictures and interviews with the contestants. Now, really, have you recently seen women's bodybuilding? These women have more testosterone in their bodies than I do. Put your thumb over their heads in these pictures, and their bodies look like most of the men's. Some of these women are 200-pounds-plus, with single-digit body fat percentages. To make them look more feminine, almost all these women have resorted to breast implants. Honestlythey really do look fake.
What happened to "all-natural bodybuilding?" It doesn't sell. People want to see "freaks," both men and women. That's why they buy the magazine. And they get what they pay for.
Let's see, 40 more pages of supplement ads. No wonder this is their "biggest issue ever!" While we're on the subject of ads, let's take a look at the four-page ad with all those success stories from real customers. The "before-and-after-photos" are truly unbelievable. It's really a misnomer to call them photosmaybe "computer-enlarged-graphics-that-started-out-as-photos" would be more accurate.
One guy gained 42 pounds in three weeks taking a protein powder drink, and he cut his fat at the same time by 20 pounds. A young woman lost 50 pounds using the same substance. Her "before" picture is gross, but in her "after" photo, she looks like a contest winner! Wow!
On to the special 24 page "lingerie feature." Did you know this is a "collector's edition issue," too? It says that twice on the cover, and inside as well. We're treated to some really gorgeous women in various stages of undress. Since when does wearing a shoe string qualify as a piece of lingerie? One amply-endowed young lady is wearing only a hair-net in her photo spread.
Actually, there's hardly any lingerie at all in the "lingerie feature." It's also pretty suggestive to see two women together, or on top of each other, or in obvious poses to arouse certain straight male readers' senses (and other parts). It looks like Playboy magazine has more competition. And I thought this was about bodybuilding!
Next, the celebrity profile. Everythingand I mean everythingabout the featured guest, right down to his baby pictures. We find out his hopes, dreams, likes, and dislikes. We find out he's a full-time police officer in a major city. This guy is the world's top bodybuilder. But if they told him to take a urine test he'd be booted off the force (code of silence, I guess). The surprise is that his girlfriend is the top female bodybuilder in the world, and she's as big as he is!
Then come about 25 more pages of supplement ads, and a classified ads section where you can buy anything you need or want. Stuff to "increase your endowment" if you're a guy, or "increase your bust size" if you're a gal.
The last page announces what's going to be featured in the next issue. It's an upcoming article on the muscle-building secrets of the pros. What are they? Can't tell you! It's a secret!
You know what? I can't wait for the next issue to come! I love this stuff!
See you at the beach!
Rick Moore is a personal trainer certified by the American Fitness Professionals & Associates. He believes in common-sense, drug-free training. Visit him at Ricks Fitness & Health, Inc., in beautiful downtown Milton. Check out his website at http://www.enrapt.com/ricksfitness, or give him a call at (302) 684-3669.
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 12, Aug. 27, 1999