One isn’t the loneliest number; Now you see him, now you don’t.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’m in my early 50s. I live a busy and satisfying life. I’m also single. When I meet people there is a sense that I’m pitied for that; that I’m somehow flawed and that there is some deep dark reason why I do not have a partner. Frankly, I’m having a pretty good time. Of course I’m looking, but I have lots of friends and I don’t feel that there are defects in my personality simply because I choose to live unattached.
Dr. Hurd responds,
There are pros and cons to being in a relationship, and there are pros and cons to being single. There are dishonest and unhappy people in relationships, as well as honest and charming people not in relationships. Some people have higher standards than others. Some are more willing than others to relinquish autonomy over their daily lives. In the end, we make those choices for ourselves.
Relationships are partly a numbers game. You might be desirable and willing to be in a relationship; but there might not be enough available people for you to attract—especially in a small resort town where many of the residents are coupled. None of this is a reflection on you psychologically or morally. It’s just a numbers game.
I encounter people in long-term relationships who want space from their partner. I encounter unmarried people who actually prefer to live alone. I have talked to people who tell their partners, “Can we live separately rather than moving in together?” This might not be the usual way, but it happens more often than you think. And it shows how people have different needs and how we have different options for the way we live our lives. Just because something is different from the norm doesn’t automatically make it unhealthy or wrong.
Yes, there are cases where an unwillingness or inability to be in a romantic relationship could be indicative of a problem. This is particularly true if a person goes years or decades without personal intimacy of any kind. That doesn’t sound like you. Even if it were, there’s no point asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” The question itself is like an emotional slap in the face. The more accurate way to look at it is, “What am I possibly doing wrong? What corrections might I need to make?” It’s not always obvious, but it’s a lot better than the alternative.
Limit your worries to what’s actually true. It’s hard enough to do that, without also letting what others think annoy you or control your life.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
One of our friends recently had a fairly hard breakup, the details of which she shared with us on several occasions. She even sold her house after he left and we all supported her embarking on a new life. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he’s back! It’s as if nothing ever happened and suddenly he’s part of our group again. After hearing so much negative stuff about him, we feel awkward, but she wants so socialize as if it’s business as usual. We don’t know how to act.
Dr. Hurd responds,
First of all, this is clearly not a stable situation. The prospect of things staying as they are for any length of time is quite low. So you might want to just go with the flow and let this play out.
Challenging people’s relationships is one of the hardest things to take on. With a close friend, you can maybe say, “Can I speak freely?” But I advise against that unless you are so miserable in this guy’s company that you simply have to bow out of get-togethers entirely.
I have watched things like this play out over and over. Saying goodbye to an important but destructive relationship sometimes takes a couple of exits. Think of it as something like an encore performance where, in spite of the pain and upheaval, they still long for the good parts. Of course, that rarely happens (actually never, in my 25+ years of experience). But people have to learn things for themselves. Sometimes being a good friend means simply shutting up.
I don’t buy into the clichés that true friends register unconditional approval. It’s phony and inauthentic. But at the same time, a friend is a friend—not a counselor, an investigator, an advisor, or a crusader-protector. Perhaps if a friend explicitly asks you to play one of those roles, you might choose to do so. But definitely wait until you’re asked, if even then.
We’re talking here about someone who did something as significant as selling her house! That’s how fed up she was with the relationship. No matter what she might feel or want now, it will not likely last. I’m not suggesting you hope for any particular outcome; I’m just telling you what the most likely outcome will be.
If you don’t like spending time with this guy, then spend less time with them together. But don’t question her judgment or choices at this time. It will not be appreciated, and it won’t lead to anything better for anyone—including you.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.