LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Leather Beach: Defying Categories |
In Hamlet, Shakespeare writes the words, "To thine own self be true." A finer motto has never been uttered in our own century than that written hundreds of years ago. We are living in a special time, a time where straight society finally seems to be embracing us and accepting us as we are. There are gay characters proliferating in television and the movies, and, unlike a few years ago, not many voices are heard being raised in protest. However, in our own community I believe we still have a way to go with accepting each other. We are all guilty to a certain extent of wanting to divide ourselves into small cliques or groups, and denouncing those who don't fit in with our own personal agendas. "What do you mean?" I can hear some of you muttering. I am simply making an appeal for people to be allowed to be themselves. Many people that I have met over the years when they have come out, believed that coming out was like buying a package, that you have to adopt certain behaviors and styles in order to fit into the gay community. In many cases this is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't work. There are men out there who are in the closet still because they believe that being gay means adapting to (what is for them) an alien culture that doesn't seem to fit in with who they are. These guys truly believe that being gay means sacrificing their masculinity, dressing in drag, and adopting a style of behavior which goes against their true identities. Case in point, when I was in my mid-twenties I attempted to date another young man, whoto all intents and purposeswas a bear (although the term hadn't yet been invented). For the sake of my readers, I will call this person Bear X. Bear X came from a rural area of Pennsylvania and moved to the city of Reading to attend cooking classes at the community college. He wanted to be a chef and was applying to the CIA (Culinary Institute of America). He was out, however, terrified of his sexuality. He believed that coming out meant abandoning his true self and adopting a "gay" persona (essentially becoming a walking stereotype). This phobia was so strong in him that he refused to be seen in public with me except to go to a gay bar in town. Wanting to have a life outside the club scene, I didn't date Bear X longI couldn't cope with his paranoia so I broke things off with him. Less than a year later Bear X decided that he was actually gay after all and was going to embrace the gay culture. He did this by joining the local Drag Company and doing a number in their show. No one bothered to tell him (besides me when we were dating), that being gay did not require wearing women's clothes or adopting effeminate behaviors. Getting very drunk, he shaved off his beautiful beard and put on a dress. Bear X looked simply ridiculous. Not only did he not do well in the show, the whole scene did nothing to improve his self esteem and may have even alienated those in the audience that would have liked him just as he had been before. Shortly thereafter he left town to attend the CIA and I never saw him again. We gay people have a proud heritage of smashing societal norms, and certainly the "drag" culture is part of that. I don't want my readers to assume that I am dissing drag queens. I am not. Through the years I have known many female impersonators and have had a good time with them as friends. If men feel comfortable in drag and want to adopt female roles I have no objection to it; what I do have an objection to is people who are not comfortable in such roles adopting them because they think it is what they need to do to fit in! Other examples are guys feeling pressured to be excessively thin, or not wear facial hair, or shaving their body hair, or even needing to wear designer clothes. On the converse side of the coin I have equal contempt for men in the leather/bear community ostracizing people because they do drag. We are all in this together, and I dare say that when we are in our full leather we probably look as bizarre to straights as the men in drag do. Actually we probably look even weirder to them because men dressing in drag is a stereotypic gay roleS & M leather isn't, people (including even some gays) just think it odd. So the moral of my story is to find your own niche, don't do something just to go along with the crowd. Don't be afraid to be yourself. When I was young I dared to be myself in a small city where it wasn't cool to do so. Being gay doesn't mean sacrificing your true self to fit in, or not pursuing your passions. On New Year's Eve we will be celebrating another prestigious event other than the start of a new millennium, we will be celebrating the second anniversary of the Double L. To me this says that Rehoboth Beach has finally "arrived" as an all-inclusive gay society. Gone are the days of men having to force themselves into the mold of insincere yuppie conservatism or removing their whiskers or putting on dresses, we finally have a place that we can call our own. It's a place to wear our leather, uniforms, and bear attire and feel welcomefor although we could go other places in town, doing so we were made to feel uncomfortable until now. So at the start of a New Year, a new century, a new millennium, I challenge you to defy stereotypes; be the person you always wanted to be. Not only will you be happier, you will be celebrating the great diversity our gay community holds. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 15, Nov. 24, 1999 |