“T” Time
L…G…B…T…Wait, what is that “T” at the end? Many readers of Letters from CAMP Rehoboth, myself included, know all about the Ls and the Gs and the Bs. But who are these “T”s? It was not too long ago that I found out. On December 24, 2010, my then 30-year-old son told me that he had something important to share with me. I was looking forward to his visit. Did he have an exciting new job that would take him to an exotic location? Was he in a new relationship?
The thought crossed my mind that perhaps he might tell me he was gay. I was ready for that news, and was planning to let him tell me in a hesitant voice after reflecting on his life, and the choices he was making, he was gay. I was all ready to give him a big hug and tell him that I loved him, and that I was with him all the way. But the message that he had to share with me that day was radically different.
“Dad, you’ve always wanted a daughter. Now you are going to have one.”
”What??”, I thought. “Did you get some girl pregnant? Uhh, is there something else that goes with this?”
“Dad, I am going to be your daughter! I will no longer be Stephen, I will be Amy!”
”WHOA!!! Just a minute there, son! What are you telling me?”
“Dad, I made a decision a while ago, and I am going to transition and become your daughter.”
For this message, I was totally unprepared. What in the world was transitioning all about? It was completely foreign to me. There were so many questions to ask, but I could find neither the courage nor even the words at that time.
Confession time—I did not react to this news very well at all. I was as stone-faced as ever that Christmas Eve in 2010. I just did not understand the T Time for Amy. This news came out of the blue. I could not have been more unprepared than I was that day. As I wrestled with my feelings and struggled to make sense of it all over the next few months, I attempted to convince Amy to slow down her schedule toward surgery until I had a better handle on transgender issues. Then one day, I had an awakening! That voice inside said, “It’s not about ME! It’s all about Amy!” The realization came, albeit slowly, that my feelings had to take second place to Amy’s. What a difference this “aha” moment had on my approach to understanding Amy’s situation and coming to peace about it.
How things have changed in the past three and a half years! There were several steps that I took that led me to be more understanding and accepting. I immersed myself in anything and everything having to do with transgender issues. Amy’s therapist provided so much insight on her journey to transition. This came only after Amy so willingly waived her confidentiality, so I could ask direct questions and receive direct answers. Then I began to attend monthly meetings of TransCentral PA, a transgender support group. I sat beside, shared with, and learned from many transgender persons, all of whom were in various stages of their transitions. I came to understand, in a way I never had before, that the T community lives in a continuum, not in a static position of gender identity assigned to them at birth. Lastly, I became friends with some transfemales from TransCentral PA. The discovery that they are regular people, too, allowed me to put aside previously-held biases and prejudices that I harbored out of ignorance.
L…G…B…T…Let’s be open to T Time! I have heard, from time to time, that some Ls and Gs do not want to work with transgender folks, to have them share the same platform in our society. “Let them fight their own battles,” the saying goes. This reminds me of the same philosophy I have heard from some African-Americans who do not want to be allies in the common cause of equal rights for the LGBT community. Everyone needs to understand that there is no such thing as “Your end of the boat is sinking!” Any group that has suffered discrimination or oppression, whether based on race, age, sexual orientation or gender identity, must understand that the battles they fight are the same battles we all fight, to make our world more inclusive.
Amy is one of the fortunate few among transgender persons. She was able to have surgery. For various reasons, many in the T community are not able to undergo this major step. I can say with all certainty that my daughter is much happier today than she was prior to her transition. And that, my friends, makes me happy! I have come full circle, from the dumbfounded and doubting father to a dedicated and devoted Dad.
There is always a learning curve in life, particularly with such life-changing events as this. I am blessed that Amy was patient with me through my learning curve. There were a few times when I used the wrong pronouns. Imagine someone using the wrong pronouns with you! It would be quite frustrating, especially if you were trying to put one gender identity behind while adopting another. The learning curve also included the discovery of which questions were appropriate to ask, and which ones were off limits. Stay tuned for that discussion in a future “Straight Talk.”