Love Is Love
A few years ago, I had a job with a demanding travel schedule. I recall there being a month when I spent more days on the road than at home. On these trips, I would do lots of talking, lots of learning, and lots of work to support my boss and make sure the trip was smooth and successful for him. He was always appreciative, and I found the work fulfilling.
In addition to the satisfaction of the work, another perk was being able to eat at a lot of great places in cities across the country. Typically, they weren’t high-end or fancy places. Almost never were they restaurants where you would find lots of tourists. We went to places our hosts in each city thought would give us a taste of their town.
Once we were in Birmingham, Alabama, and the local team took us to what was one of the best BBQ restaurants I had ever been to. I knew it was going to be good when we walked in, and I saw rolls of paper towels at each table.
At a small mom-and-pop breakfast spot in Cleveland, Ohio, I had eggs so soft and fluffy they could have been mistaken for clouds. In Monroe, Louisiana, we attended a luncheon where the food was so delicious that when the formal program was over, I made my way to the kitchen to personally thank the waitstaff and the chef. It was just that good!
But I did not enjoy the meal every single time we sat down to eat. The most glaring example is from a trip to Texas—to a city I shall not name. We had a packed itinerary for the first half of the day which began with a morning tour of a facility, media coverage, and my boss giving remarks at a ceremony. After that we would attend a luncheon, change clothes in the nearest bathroom, and head straight to the airport to be on our way to the next stop on our tour.
Well, the morning was off to a brisk start. The tour began a little late, but all the dignitaries were there and enjoying each other’s company. A photographer and a few members of the press followed them and did a couple of one-on-one interviews. The ceremony was well attended, and my boss’s remarks were well received.
I was very much looking forward to sitting back at the luncheon, relaxing, and having a good meal. I had not eaten all morning and while it was only noon, it felt like it had been a full day. I was seated at a lovely, decorated table with friendly faces. When the staff began to place plates covered with beautiful silver dome plate toppers in front of each guest, I knew I was in for a treat. They had already delighted my eyes, surely my stomach was next.
The moment came to take the dome covers off. My heart sank. It was the most unappetizing dish I had seen and there was scant chance that day I would even try it. Everyone else at the table was smiling and ready to dig in. I simply asked for another salad and loaded up on rolls. I did not comment on what they were eating or why I did not care for it. I had learned long ago, “don’t yuck somebody else’s yum.”
Recently, I realized that saying applies not only to food, but also to people and their relationships.
The slogan, “Love is love,” was coined by the marriage equality movement and rolls easily off the lips. It is the idea that all forms of love are valid and equal. The love counterpart to “don’t yuck somebody else’s yum.”
We may not always be in love with the person our friend or family member brings home and announces that they are dating or in a relationship with. She might not be what we expected. He might not look like the ones before. They might not fit in. We might think three or four people in one relationship is a crowd.
But we are not the ones in the relationship and if the mutually consenting adults who are in the relationship are having a healthy and happy experience, then we need not open our mouths to yuck their yum. It is our opportunity to lean into the idea that love really is love, despite the confines of the box we would like to see it in. What works for you might not work for everyone else. Love and attraction are deeply personal things. Not too far off from tastebuds.
So, the next time you get even the tiniest urge to make a face or comment judgmentally about what someone else is eating and enjoying, stop yourself and let them enjoy it. Concentrate on your own fulfillment. Ask the server if there is more salad and rolls. Get full. ▼
Clarence J. Fluker is a public affairs and social impact strategist. Since 2008, he’s also been a contributing writer for Swerv, a lifestyle periodical celebrating African American LGBTQ+ culture and community. Follow him on Twitter: @CJFluker or Instagram: @Mr_CJFluker.