LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
CAMPOut: But wait! There's More! |
by Fay Jacobs |
Apparently it does come from toilet seats. Bad luck, that is. One night during the past holiday season, a friend ran shrieking from bathroom to bathroom in my house. At first I thought it was the bean dip, but no, he was just noisily slamming the lids down on the commodes. "Whew!" he said, returning from the relay, according to the Feng Shui guru, if a toilet seat lid is up, money flies out of the house. Lid down, the cash stays. I think it works with luck, too." Like we had any cash or good luck to go flying out in the first place. But I humored him and promised to keep the lids shut. Then I promptly forgot about it, Kohlers resuming their flaps up position. Now I'm rethinking this Feng Shui-bad luck connection. Within days of the lavatory warning I was struck down by some kind of kidney infection. "Maybe you got a stone," the ER doctor said. If there was a stone in there, it was Mick Jagger. Consequently, I spent from the Sunday before Christmas to New Year's Eve running a bizarre fever, moaning and watching TV. Although it's tough to know what came first, the moaning or the TV. Have you watched in the daytime? It's enough to make you sick, so imagine somebody feverish dealing with it. You get reruns of Magnum P.I. (Selleck acting butch), L.A. Law (80's hairdos and one stolen lesbian kiss in four years) and Murder She Wrote (they should investigate Jessica Fletcher as the world's most prolific serial killer; wherever she goes, somebody turns up dead). Then there's Montel (lowlife screws up and blames their parents), Judge Joe Brown (lowlife gets punished); Life in the ER (lowlife gets shot) or Maury (lowlife interviews lowlife). Ordinarily I like Diane Sawyer and Good Morning America, but even she started to rile me. If I see one more wedding dress segment, or that cute Lara Spencer interviewing mothers-to-be or profiling honeymoon getaways I'm going to scream. Would it kill them to have gay people on once in a while? We lead very interesting lives. Would it hurt to include gay couples in cooking segments, health and relationship features or, heaven forfend, those damn wedding stories? If they're going for human interest, it would be human and actually interesting. But as bad as the programming is, it's the commercials that make kidney infections extra fun. Daytime watchers must be fools for "only on TV" product sales. You know, the "For just $19.95, we'll send you the (insert superfluous invention here)...." Wanna paint? There's the Edgemasterwith the built in self-guiding beveled edge. "Guides itself without getting so much as a drop of paint places it doesn't belongno need for tape, no hassle or we'll buy it back! Paint ANY room with ANY paint in just one hour!!!" Hell, I can paint any room in an hour but nobody in their right mind would let me. Then there's Gator Grip"a tool that replaces a whole tool kit! Fits over a thousand nuts, bolts and fasteners for just $19.99. But wait! It gets better!" screams the announcer. Call now and we'll throw in this Ratchet Handle absolutely FREE, you get both for just $19.99. If you didn't get the FREE ratchet handle, what would you do? Excuse me, I'll stick this on my finger and screw this 24x18 deck together. "Reach any loose screw!" Hmmm, that's you, folks, reaching for a VISA card. I loved the Original Pillow Back Rest (just two payments of $19.99!). The announcer shrieks of comfort at its best and a pioneering shape, perfect to lean against to watch TV, use flat out as a pillow, or save nuts and berries in its little hidden side pockets. I'd stash Ambien there so I wouldn't have to watch this stuff. "But Wait! If you order RIGHT NOW, you get a special pillow case, to fit your Original Pillow Back Rest!" Hell, if you didn't get it FREE you'd need three seamstresses and an architect to design a pillow case for this lumpy sack of foam. If I wanted to prop up on something that lumpy I'd lean on a Schnauzer. BUT THERE'S MORE!!! My favorite ad is for Moving Men. "Not those moving men," hawks the announcer, to video of moving trucks, "these Moving Men!" (video of hand holding plastic cocktail coasters). "These Moving Men make moving furniture fun! Even a loaded bookcase (video of bookcase doing a triple salcow across floor) practically floats along! "If these aren't the best helpers ever, send them back for a full refund! (including, presumably, compensation for lumbar surgery). BUT THERE'S MORE!!! Call now and we'll double your order! 8 Moving Men for just $19.99! I'd seen the ad three times before I realized they never showed how you put these Tiddlywinks under the hefty furniture in the first place. But wait! Maybe if you call right now they'll throw in Arnold Shwartzernegger. I got it! To get Moving Men under a piece of furniture, dismantle it with Gator Grip, then use Edgemaster to patch the paint where you effortlessly slid the armoire into the wall. Rest up from hernia surgery on your amazing Pillow Back Rest. Find Percocet stashed in its little pockets. The best thing about recovering from my bad luck mystery illness was the cessation of enforced daytime TV. But I did start thinking about all the good luck that hadn't rushed my way over the yearsI mean I've never won Powerball, Publisher's Clearing House, or so much as a dime at the Midway Slots. So what can it hurt to shut a toilet seat? I realize that much cash and good luck may have already escaped (the porcelain horse is out of the corral????) but I'm looking for a sea change of luck right about now. I hope the coming year brings good health and good fortune to my household and yours. And that Diane Sawyer hears my plea and gives us a little homosexual parity on Good Morning America. And that while my back is turned, Bonnie isn't seduced (But there's MORE!!!) into purchasing any Moving Men or Edgemasters. But heck, the Gator Grip might come in handy if the toilet seat lid falls off from all the upcoming slamming. Happy New Year and keep yer lids on, kids. Fay Jacobs, a national award winning columnist, is the Features Editor of Letters from CAMP Rehoboth. She may be reached at CampoutReho@aol.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 12, No. 01, February 1, 2002. |