Years ago, at the urging of co-workers, I sent the writers at Saturday Night Live a concept for a spoof remake of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (at the Cheney’s). The scene where Dick and Lynne Cheney meet Heather Poe, their daughter’s lesbian lover, conjured some fun shenanigans.
Would the Cheney’s seat their bosom buddy Pat Buchanan next to—or across from—Mary’s lover? How can everyone sit to the right of one another? What sort of menu do lesbians and red-meat conservatives share? Could Dick and Lynne well up with tears like Hepburn and Tracy at the moment of acceptance and redemption? The SNL crowd could have an absolute field day with that one.
Today, as we agonizingly fight for our marriage rights state to state, here’s one more nugget for the writers at SNL. Anyone with a TV has by now seen the Fidelity retirement commercial where the woman calls to rollover over her IRA and a green line magically appears on the floor in front of her to guide her path.
Known for their side-splitting commercial spoofs, why not have the SNL gang go after three stooges who need no last names or self esteem classes: Newt, Rudy and Rush. Together they have nine wives—enough for a women’s baseball team. And that truly puts them in A League of Their Own. So, the new Infidelity commercial series might look something like this:
Newt Gingrich lookalike, dials the phone.
Operator picks up: “Hello Infidelity, how can I help you?”
Newt: “Hello, this is the loudest speaker of all times, Newt Gingrich, and I’ve decided to roll over my M R S. I’m feeling kind of guilty since it will be my third wife. I left the first one while she was in the hospital and now this second one is just not willing to let me have my girlfriend on the side.”
Operator: “We can help with this. We’re Infidelity and we deal with it every day. Go on.”
Newt: “Well, great. Now I should tell you that my current girlfriend Calista is uber Catholic with a capital C and they don’t cotton to divorce. So I’m going to become one! Pretty smart, eh? I should also mention that I was having an affair while I was pushing for President Clinton’s impeachment. Oh, and one other thing—in addition to three wives, I also have a lesbian sister, and I defy both logic and math as I campaign vehemently on one man one woman principles. Hey, this green line just appeared. Are you serious?”
Operator: “Go ahead. At Infidelity we make no judgments. But you’re kidding about turning your back on your sister, right?”
Rudy Giuliani look alike.
Operator: “Hello, Infidelity how can I help you.”
Rudy: “Hello, I’m thinking of rolling over my M R S and I’m feeling sort of guilty cause I live with these friends—a gay couple who’ve been together for decades and yet they can’t even get their civil union realized in 43 states. It sort of smacks of hypocrisy don’t you think? I mean when I ran for president in ‘08 I went straight from the Gay Pride parade to the NASCAR races where many of them listen to Rush Limbaugh and watch Fox News. I completely turned my back on my friends.”
Operator: ”It sounds like you went straight from pride to prejudice? Still, we at Infidelity don’t judge. Do you see that green stripe on the floor? Go ahead.”
Rudy: “Thanks! This is easier than screwing two gay friends metaphorically and three women literally! Wow.”
Rush Limbaugh lookalike.
Rush: “Hello, I’m thinking of rolling over my M R S and this will be my third wife. I have a horrible track record with women. I’m this hate jockey and I call any woman who isn’t compliant to men’s wishes a Femi-nazi. I profess law and order and the whole time I had my female housekeeper getting drugs for me. Then I called a Georgetown coed a slut for wanting to use contraception.”
Operator: “We make no judgments here. Do what you think is best.”
Rush: “This green line just appeared on my floor. This is awesome. You’ve absolutely made my day. I’m not only going to propose to my third wife as I lord it over the gay community that they are lower than life, I’m going to invite Elton John to sing for Mrs. Limbaugh #3. How’s that for chutzpuh?”
Operator: “No worries, Mr. Limbaugh but do you really think a gay man would agree to sing for you?”
Inexplicably, the answer to that last question was affirmative. But the question raised by the information in these infomercials isn’t whether it’s worse to screw your own sister, your best friends, or a willing gay rock legend. The question is whether we’re going to let these men get away with it. One place to begin fighting back is in Maryland, where we have a marriage equality fight on our hands. We collectively have a green stripe that leads to Annapolis.
Let’s roll over all three of them.
Brent Mundt resides in Washington, DC but lives in Rehoboth Beach.