When Candy Becomes a Red Flag / Could Be Just the Tip of the Iceberg
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My roommate’s mother sees herself as a good cook. I few months ago she brought over some homemade candy for us. It was terrible. Of course I told her that I loved it, but when my roommate was at work I threw it out and told him I ate it. Now she brings it over regularly. All was going fine until my roommate found the unopened container in the trash. Now he’s not speaking to me. I really don’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings, but I don’t know what to do! How could this have happened?
Dr. Hurd replies,
Simple: You took on too much! She’s your roommate’s mother, not yours. It was his decision—not yours—on how to handle the candy. All you ever had to do was politely decline. If asked directly, you could have admitted you didn’t like it. Why lie—and then create a federal case and a cover-up—to shield your roommate from his mother?
You sacrificed the good for the sake of the perfect. You tried to find the “perfect” solution, which led to your hiding the candy like it was some life-or-death issue. But it never had to be. This is a telling metaphor for how many of us handle life issues. We make things into bigger problems than they have to be. We take responsibility for things that we can’t control, and end up doing things with which even we, ourselves, disagree.
Does this incident seem like a pattern for the way you handle other life issues? If so, what alternatives might you consider? News flash: There are worse things than hurting someone’s feelings. Sure, there’s no reason to go out of your way to tell someone you don’t like their cooking. But you can find civilized ways to be honest. If you’d rather not be honest, you can even manage to eat it. But stop the control-freak approach. It’s not healthy. Even a white lie would be preferable to that.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My girlfriend is a bad tipper. She leaves five or maybe ten percent. I’ve always figured out how to stay behind and bring the tip to an acceptable level. Of course she’s always got some excuse, like “I need it more than they do,” or “I shouldn’t have to tip if I don’t want to.” Of course she’s happy to accept the service. Last week she came back into a restaurant and caught me adding money to the table. She got mad, made a scene and said I “owe” it to her to leave her tip as-is, and that I “betrayed” her. Frankly, I’m starting to wonder what I ever saw in her. At first I thought she was just cheap, but this reaction throws an entirely different light on things. Should I vacate the premises?
Dr. Hurd replies,
That’s up to you. Weigh the pros and cons of this relationship carefully. However, I share your views about tipping. I cannot stand people who don’t tip or tip poorly when the service is fine.
Tipping is not self-sacrifice. It’s an act of justice. By “justice” I simply mean giving people what they deserve—it’s an unwritten contract we tacitly accept when we enter a restaurant. In a way, it’s for your own sake as much as the server you’re tipping; it makes sense to establish a reputation as an acceptable tipper, especially if you eat in certain restaurants regularly. More than that, it fosters self-esteem, integrity, and serenity to act with justice when it’s defined rationally and objectively. Remember: Character is what you’re doing when nobody else is looking.
Cheapness often has less to do with money than it has to do with other emotional issues. For example, look how cheap people generally remain cheap even if they acquire more wealth. It’s more of a personality flaw than an economic paradigm. That’s one reason you’re right to consider this problem a red flag for deeper concerns about your girlfriend. She’s given us some clues as to what her emotional issues might be. “I need it more than they do” sounds like she views herself as a victim. Most of the people who chronically feel like victims are really victims of their own faulty thinking. She goes through life with a chip on her shoulder, and as a result needs to take it out on others, including servers who (in most cases) are working tirelessly to make a decent living and had nothing to do with her alleged victimization.
“I shouldn’t have to tip if I don’t want to.” Well, there’s no law saying she is obliged to leave a tip. Nobody can force her. But that’s not the point. The point is why she chooses not to tip. She’s using her defensiveness as a way to evade the point. Not right and not healthy.
I’m not bashing your girlfriend. What you wrote is all I know about her. If she’s like most people, she has fine qualities that counterbalance this one. But I’m with you: Refusing to tip is a pretty big flaw.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.