• Letters from CAMP Rehoboth
    • Current Issue
    • Past Issues
    • Advertising Information
    • Where Can I Get Letters?
    • The Write Stuff
  • Events
    • Featured Events
    • Past Events
    • Classes + Events
    • SUNFESTIVAL 2022
    • Women's FEST
  • Programs
    • Arts & Culture
    • Education & Advocacy
    • Health & Wellness
    • Community Building
    • CAMP Facilities
  • About Us
    • Membership
    • Volunteers
    • Board of Directors
    • CAMP Rehoboth Staff
    • Reports and Financials
    • History
    • Employment Opportunities
    • Press
  • Resources
    • Beach Guide Directory
    • LGBTQ Resources
    • LGBTQ Providers
    • LGBTQ Delaware Data
    • Trans & Nonbinary Resources
    • BIPOC LGBTQ Resources
    • LGBTQ Local and National Resources Guide
  • Contact
  • Shop
close× Call Us 302-227-5620
close×

Search form

November 19, 2010 - Ask the Doctor by Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D.

Relationships by Formula

Dear Dr. Hurd,

My partner and I have been together for ten years. We enjoy socializing with our coupled friends, but we find that we often like one member of the pair more than the other. To make it worse, we sometimes disagree about which of the partners we like better. Is there some formula we can follow to get this right?

Dr. Hurd replies,

The magic formula is this: You’re expecting too much.

Think about it. Why do couples come together? To some extent, it’s because opposites attract. People with different personalities are drawn together for what the other lacks, personality-wise. Nontechnical people are often drawn to technically competent ones. Empaths are drawn to thinkers. Outgoing people are attracted to wallflowers, etc.

One of the great things about a relationship is that you enjoy certain qualities in your partner that you might not possess yourself. There are always exceptions, but it stands to reason that any couple you encounter will include one person with more of the qualities you admire.

So here it comes (fasten your seatbelt): Your time is precious. Life should be fun. You (or your partner) are not obligated to waste precious moments with people whom you don’t enjoy. Of course, you can’t be entirely rigid about this, but if there are opportunities to do one thing with one member of the couple, then each of you might consider doing that. “Oh, you like macramé? I like it too, but Joe can’t stand it. Let’s whip up a hammock sometime while the others go shopping.” Of course you have to be careful not to deliberately exclude people or hurt their feelings unnecessarily, but Joe will probably be more than happy to go shopping after he hears about that hammock.

Where is it written that you must do everything as a couple? If you and your partner love your time together and don’t get enough of it, then fine. That’s not rigidity; it’s simply what you prefer. But it is rigidity when you do things because you feel you’re “supposed” to, and for no other reason. In business they refer to “thinking out of the box.” The same applies to personal relationships. Don’t box yourself in.

Dear Dr. Hurd,

My girlfriend and I are pretty happy, but I often feel anxious and conflicted about everyday things. She has suggested that I consider psychotherapy, but I’m not sure what it can do for me. What should I expect if I decide to give it a try?

Dr. Hurd replies,

People go to therapists for all sorts of reasons. Though medication can temporarily lower your anxiety, therapy is always advisable for emotional conflict. It has nothing to do with “mental illness,” and often the presenting problem is simply…life. People sometimes need a “neutral” person with whom they can talk things out in order to gain a more objective viewpoint.

In my forthcoming book, Bad Therapy, Good Therapy (And How to Tell the Difference), I state that you pay a psychotherapist “not to care.” At first that may sound harsh, but if you think about it, it’s really true: If you want advice from someone in your personal life, you can get it for free. In fact, you can get uninvited advice from just about anyone who’s bossy or who needs to feel superior. It’s important to consider the source. What does the advice-giver get out of it? It might not be the most honorable of intentions.

A therapist—a good one at least—will not try to run your life for you. He or she will offer an objective assessment of what you’re saying. “It sounds like you really want to change jobs. But you seem conflicted because you don’t want to live with less income. You need to think about your priorities.” This sort of feedback helps the client think more clearly without being told what to do. By “not caring” about all the things that tend to upset mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, partners and spouses, therapists are in a unique position to be truly objective. You’re free to remove a therapist from your life at any time, so there’s no negative consequence to how you handle the feedback.

Therapy is not a medical procedure. A psychotherapist holds either a Master’s degree or a Ph.D. A psychiatrist, on the other hand, is an M.D. and can prescribe medication. In a medical situation, you go to a doctor to remove symptoms with pills or maybe surgery. Therapists don’t fix you with surgery. They help you fix yourself by guiding and coaching you over a period of time.

I believe everyone should try therapy at some point. It might take a few tries to find the right match, but it’s not much more complicated than that. Pills may have their place, but five minutes with a doctor and his prescription pad will never be the same as quality time spent talking with a skilled psychotherapist.

Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D.  is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to DrHurd@DrHurd.com.

‹ November 19, 2010 - CAMP Dates up November 19, 2010 - Call for Volunteers by Claire Ippoliti ›

Past Issues

Issues Index

  • February 5, 2010 - Issue Index
  • March 12, 2010 - Issue Index
  • April 9, 2010 - Issue Index
  • May 7, 2010 - Issue Index
  • May 21, 2010 - Issue Index
  • June 4, 2010 - Issue Index
  • June 18, 2010 - Issue Index
  • July 2, 2010 - Issue Index
  • July 16, 2010 - Issue Index
  • July 30, 2010 - Issue Index
  • August 13, 2010 - Issue Index
  • August 27, 2010 - Issue Index
  • September 17, 2010 - Issue Index
  • October 15, 2010 - Issue Index
  • November 19, 2010 - Issue Index
    • November 19, 2010 - Acknowledgments
    • November 19, 2010 - The Way I See It by Steve Elkins
    • November 19, 2010 - Speak Out - Letters to Letters
    • November 19, 2010 - In Brief
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMPmatters by Murray Archibald
    • November 19, 2010 - Volunteer Thank You
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMP Out by Fay Jacobs
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMP Stories by Rich Barnett
    • November 19, 2010 - Amazon Trail by Lee Lynch
    • November 19, 2010 - Before The Beach by Bob Yesbek
    • November 19, 2010 - Proud Bookstore Hosts Authors
    • November 19, 2010 - Calling All Athletes By Fay Jacob
    • November 19, 2010 - Booked Solid by Teri Schlichenmeyer
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMPtalk by Bill Sievert
    • November 19, 2010 - Volunteer Spotlight by Chris Beagle
    • November 19, 2010 - We Remember
    • November 19, 2010 - Hear Me Out by Chris Azzopardi
    • November 19, 2010 - High CAMP by Brent Mundt
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMPshots Gallery Index
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMP Chorus To Celebrate
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMParts by Doug Yetter
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMP Money by Chris Beagle
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMP Dates
    • November 19, 2010 - Ask the Doctor by Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D.
    • November 19, 2010 - Call for Volunteers by Claire Ippoliti
    • November 19, 2010 - The Outfield by Dan Woog
    • November 19, 2010 - CAMP Fitness

Follow Us

Follow us on Social Media!

RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAIL

Information

  • Letters
  • Events
  • About Us
  • CAMP Center

Support CAMP

  • CAMP Membership
  • Volunteer
  • Contact Us
  • Donate
Copyright © CAMP Rehoboth, 2022
  • p. 302-227-5620
  • info@camprehoboth.com
  • 37 Baltimore Avenue, Rehoboth Beach, DE 19971