Clean Freaks, Martyrs, and Man Haters. Oh My!
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 25 years. He has always been finicky about cleanliness and “everything being in its place.” But recently he seems to be getting worse. After a 12-hour day at work, he can’t go to bed until he vacuums the carpet. Or, after I make the bed, he insists on remaking it “right.” A guest will leave a glass on the kitchen counter for five minutes and he grabs it and puts it in the sink.
He gets anxious and angry if he can’t do whatever he “needs” to do at the time. He insists on doing laundry for me and anyone who might be spending time at our house—though we ask him not to—and then complains as if he’s being taken advantage of. I love him with my whole heart, but it’s driving me crazy. Help!
Dr. Hurd replies:
Whatever motivates your boyfriend’s behavior, you have to understand one thing: He’s getting something out of it. I don’t know what it is, and I’m not saying it’s rational or healthy, but he’s getting something out of it. Most likely it’s a sense of control. People who indulge in excessively controlling behavior in one area (like cleaning) generally feel out of control in other areas of life.
He needs to find better ways to cope with his need for control. Most importantly, he should identify what he’s unhappy about. If he’s getting worse, maybe something in his life has changed recently. Addressing whatever that is will, in itself, give him more control. It takes work, and maybe a little confrontation, so perhaps it’s “easier” for him to stay fixated on cleanliness and other irrelevant issues.
You have to tell him, in effect, “I can’t live this way.” It doesn’t have to be a threat. It’s just a simple statement of fact: He’s pushing you away by acting like that. If he says he feels less close to you, this is the reason. Don’t waver on this point and don’t accept blame for problems he’s creating.
I notice something else interesting in your note. You mentioned that your boyfriend cleans up after people even when they haven’t asked him to do so, and then he feels used by them. This is a red flag for someone who loves to be a martyr. Maybe he believes that he needs to suffer to be a good person. Most of us are taught this nonsense as kids, and some of us have bought into it as adults.
He doesn’t have to suffer in order to be a good, happy person. In fact, it sounds like he’d be doing those he loves a favor if he strove to be less to be a “good” person and more of a happy person.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
After a particularly alcohol-filled weekend in Rehoboth, my girlfriend and I decided that we would attend AA in our hometown. We don’t have a huge problem, but we need to learn how to moderate. It’s been a long time coming, and I was very excited.
After our first meeting, however, my girlfriend refused to return because the meeting moderator and our “sponsor” are both guys. They are kind, gentle, and I like them both. But she insists, “I don’t trust men! I want a woman sponsor or I’m not going back.” Furthermore, she has this same attitude about other professionals with whom we do business. There is absolutely no basis for her attitude. I read your other columns and I know that we can’t force people to change. But something’s got to.
Dr. Hurd replies:
How sad. She’s cheating herself out of the talents, personalities and skills of fifty percent of the population.
Imagine what would happen if, based on prejudice alone, one of these men your girlfriend dislikes said, “I want nothing to do with women. I don’t trust them.” It would certainly fuel her dislike of men even more, even though that’s exactly what she’s doing.
I can’t say for sure, but perhaps your girlfriend was treated badly by one or several key men in her life. If that’s the case, then her emotions are largely justified. But there’s no logical reason for extending those feelings to every man on the planet.
Some will say, “But feelings are not always logical.” Well, that’s true. And the point is…what, exactly? It’s amazing how people use this “argument” in support of thoroughly unsubstantiated claims. Clients try that with me only once, because my approach as a cognitive-behavioral therapist dictates that logic, facts, and common sense must always trump what you happen to be feeling.
Some people find an odd sort of comfort in holding on to their feelings. For example, it’s easier to feel that “all men are bad” rather than putting thought into evaluating a particular man’s character and individuality.
You’re right that you can’t change you girlfriend’s attitudes or actions, and you shouldn’t try. I suggest that you go ahead with your own commitment to attend AA. Who knows, maybe she’ll eventually join you if she sees that it helps.
Dr. Michael J. Hurd is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email Dr. Hurd