So You Think You’re Gay, and Sometimes You Can Have It All
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’m a straight woman and I have a great relationship with my boyfriend. We have lots of gay and lesbian friends (I read Letters because they usually leave us a copy). My boyfriend doesn’t read it, so I am writing this to you.
I have recently discovered that I am turned on by the sexual aspect of women (particularly breasts). I’ve explored this turn of events on Internet sites, and do enjoy the image of a beautiful, nurturing woman. As a teenager, I had the opportunity to engage in a physical relationship with a female friend, and rejected it. Am I all-of-a-sudden “coming out?” I love my boyfriend and I enjoy our physical relationship. What’s happening to me?
Dr. Hurd replies,
Quite frankly, I would treat this no differently than if you found yourself looking at other guys. What you’re discovering is that there’s more to your sexuality than what you play out with your boyfriend. So what? This says nothing about your existing relationship. You’re simply realizing that there are other dimensions to your sexuality. No big deal.
Are you really lesbian? That’s doubtful. If you were, I don’t see how you could have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your boyfriend. This can be complicated, and you might even want to engage in some counseling to resolve it. For example, you rejected the opportunity to engage in a same-sex relationship. Why? Did you want it, but deny it to yourself? Were you honestly unsure? Or did you simply not want a sexual connection with your same-sex friend?
The answer to these questions could help you now. If you really wanted to pursue that teenage same-sex adventure, this would explain why you have unresolved questions now. You live in an area filled with openly gay and lesbian relationships. Perhaps that awakened a sense of curiosity you never fully acknowledged.
Of course, it could be simpler than that. Sometimes a straight person who’s around a lot of gays and lesbians starts to wonder if he/she might be gay or lesbian him/herself. For some this can take on a pathological edge in which the fear of being being gay leads to hating people for being gay. But the same emotion can be perfectly benign. You obviously have no issue with people being gay, but you wonder what might have been had you taken a different path.
Don’t be afraid of your feelings. You don’t have to end your relationship just because you find yourself aroused by images that are expressly designed to do just that. Feelings, like people, can be complex in their scope and potential. Instead of fearing it, try to make peace with it.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My partner and I look forward to reading your column. We notice that in issue after issue, it seems that people are cheating on one another, lying, hoarding, snooping into one another’s computers, fighting over sex, money, cleaning obsessions, shopping habits, nosy friends…you name it.
You probably won’t print this because it’s boring, but my partner and I have been together for 19 years. We never fight. We like different things, but it makes me happy to do what he wants to do, and he feels the same way. So we both end up doing what makes us happy.
We laugh at the same things, and trust one another implicitly because we know that neither of us will ever find anyone better than one another.
If it were not this way, we would both fare quite well alone. But our lives truly started when we met. Sorry I couldn’t send you something more exciting.
Dr. Hurd replies,
You’d better believe I’ll print your letter! People need an example of what’s possible and what to aim for. You provided the key to that when you wrote, “We like different things, but it makes me happy to do what he wants to do, and he feels the same way. So we both end up doing what makes us happy.”
You’ve hit on the primary difference between a happy relationship and an unhappy one. People often define good relationships as “normal.” They want to have what everyone else has—or what they think everyone else has. They use barometers such as sex, money, or status to measure their happiness. Those things are not irrelevant, but they are not the essence of what makes a couple happy. What you wrote above is.
I know it will shock some people when I say that the happiness you give to one another is selfish. I mean “selfish” in the following sense: If you find someone who gets pleasure out of your being happy, and who doesn’t feel that your happiness comes at his expense, and that feeling is mutual, then you have found something special and lasting.
People say to me, “I want something better and I want something different.” They feel that happiness has eluded them. But there’s no magic and there’s no mystery. Once you understand what to look for, and why, then it all becomes possible.
Far from being boring, your letter was a breath of fresh air.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach, and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email Dr Hurd your questions or comments.