LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Student CAMP: Closets aren't my thing - well, mostly they're not |
by Adam |
Hello. My name is Adamas many of you have probably already noticed. By the time you read this, I will be preparing for my senior year in high school. And yes, I am gay. Thats right, fellow gay adolescents! Do not scoff and roll your eyesthere is in fact another like you, and I am him. Since this is my first article, allow me to introduce myself a bit further: besides the nondescript term of "high school student," I am also a poet, an actor, a musician, a thinker, and occasionally a functioning human being. I first stumbled blindly upon my homosexuality three years ago, and since then have been working full-time to accept myself for who, and what, I am. Which brings me to an interesting point: the closet and stepping out of it. Yes, I know, its overdonejust mentioning it means that I have probably already plagiarized ten articles, two books, and broken several international copyright laws. Lets face it: everyone has their say on the issue. But from the perspective of someone who has experienced the closet from every imaginable angle, I believe it is a safe assumption that most portrayals of the closet are oversimplifications (at best). For the majority of us, the closet is something we live in some of the time, leave to air-out at others, and mostly just sort of linger around for the rest of the time. Allow me to elaborate: I personally am out, for the most part. Or rather, I make no great secret of my sexual orientation. Everyone who knows me personally knows that I am gay, and I do not attempt to hide it when in mixed company. So while I do not introduce myself as "Hi, Im gay," I do not organize a major, government-instituted conspiracy every time I step out in public just so that no one will discover my "dirty" secret. I simply am what I amlove it or leave it. And because of my "flame on" attitude, I suspect most of the free world is aware that I am gay. Except my parents. (Note: this is where things get hairy, the yellow brick road disappears, and I step down from my soap box.) I have still never told my parents. In fact, this seems to be the case with many out-and-about gay teens whom I personally know. Namely, while they are carefree about their sexuality when in public, they dont seem to have the nerve or desire to explain their tendencies to their guardians. Why?, you might ask. Fine, you really want to know? Good, because so do I. To be blatantly honest: I dont know why. Speculations? Well, it could be that all children have a built-in desire to make their parents happy and pleased. Not to mention proud. And while homosexuality is not a crime by a long stretch, it is not something so accepted or respected by mainstream culture that our parents are likely to be thankful for it. In fact, I have never heard tell of a parent who yelled "Praise God!" or some other such similar expression when they discovered that their child was gay. Another quite likely reason why gay teens do not tell their parents is fear, plain and simple. Particularly living within the boundaries of the Old South, we teenage queer Delawareans have ample reason to believe that our parents might react negatively, explosivelyor even violentlyupon such a revelation. These examples are only drops in the bucket when it comes to reasons why gay teens choose to remain closeted, particularly to their parents. In fact, it is no great wonder that many of us decide that the closet is really not a bad place to stay after all. At this point, many of you are probably beginning to wonder: Where on earth (or elsewhere) is he going with this column? And since youve asked, I must admit, Im not quite sure. But now that Ive arrested my rant, I will take this moment to drop in my two cents worth of pseudo-wisdom. I would like to say that, having become at long last a mostly-out and thoroughly-gay young man, Ive come to the following realization: It is okay to be who (and what) you are, because you cant change it, as recent genetic studies seem to be getting ever-closer to proving. And ultimately, the hardest "outing" is to oneself. When you can look at yourself in the mirror while admitting that you are gay and it doesnt make one single iota of difference, then you can rest assured that everything will be alright. Humans, after all, are their own worst critics. So therehows that for coming full circle? Right back to where I started, almost. Thanks for hearing me out. And believe me, theres plenty more where that came from. Adam is a senior in high school. In his free time, he enjoys studying and writing poetry, playing the piano, acting, and reading anything and everything. He welcomes email at admcrow@zdnetmail.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 7, June 18, 1999 |