LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Booked Solid: Deep Water Passage |
by Rebecca James |
"When we deliberately leave the safety of the shore of our lives, we surrender to a mystery beyond our intent." So begins Ann Linneas journey in the summer of 1992, a 65-day battle to claim her right to exist. This is a battle set to the cadence of Lake Superiors crashing swells, driving winds and furious rain; this is the battle of "She-Who-Is-Biggest." Linnea turned 43 in the summer of 1992, which turned out to be the harshest in a century. A lifelong athlete and naturalist, she became the first woman to circumnavigate our planets largest lake. Linnea paddled her 17-foot kayak over 1,200 miles, in search of answers to questions not fully formed. This woman felt that the lake was calling her soul; later she realized that it was actually her soul that was crying out for a DEEP WATER PASSAGE. This memoir is a powerful recollection of that awesome journey and serves as a record of the incredible ability of nature to sift through the grey matter of life and expose the raw emotion and basic physical needs that become the driving force for our very existence. June 17, 1992. Linnea and her close friend and paddling companion, Paul, set their slim boats packed full of gear in the wet sand and stepped back to count the waves as they rolled in on the shore. Strong winds and 5-foot swells drove through the foggy morning to greet them, or perhaps to warn them. This was not a commitment to be taken lightly. The two friends had planned for this moment for over a year. They said good-bye to their spouses, children and family, climbed in, and pushed off. That first day was a grueling 17-mile paddle into the wind with about 1/4 mile visibility. Their bodies struggled to adjust to the cold and to the continuous repetition of stroke-stroke-stroke. Finally, hands numb and arms screaming, they pulled within sight of the shore where their first nights welcoming party awaited them. It is here that the true value of the relationship between these two people becomes evident: throughout the journey, they will teach each other awareness, humility and respectfor each other, for the lake, for the world. A simple ritual to thank the lake for allowing them one days passage is suggested by Paul, "for the privilege of this day." Over time, Linnea learns that she has stowed more than just gear on this trip; her closest friend and spiritual partners recent death weighs heavily on her heart. Through the simple rituals of survival in the wild waters of the lake, Linnea begins to let go of Betty. She realizes slowly that the trip is more than a physical challenge; the solitary paddles and exhaustion leave her emotionally naked. Her memories swim to the surface of the lake and bubble up in the spray from the undying wind. Like the ashes and bone fragments she trails in the lakes surface, Linnea merges with the spirit of the lake, letting the water wash away everything but the most basic components of her lifes structure. Here she allows herself for the first time since college to question and re-evaluate her relationships to friends, family, children and, most significantly, husband. Throughout the book, Linneas relationships and connections to other women occupy a great portion of her thoughts. It is obvious that several women have had a tremendous impact on her life. Although Linnea never specifically voices it to the reader, the idea that she may be a lesbian seems to be more than just a possibility. Even if Linnea herself would never describe the relationships, past or future, as sexual, the book succeeds in pointing out that it is ones emotional and spiritual connections with people, not the physical, that are important when defining ones self. Linnea finds the courage and strength needed to complete her journey in many different places. In particular, a friends voice on the phone at several rest stops appears to motivate her to search inside herself for additional energy, just when she feels that the last has been sapped. Christina becomes a rock with which Linnea can steady herself. At one point, experiencing debilitating self-doubt after an almost unheard of thirty-nine mile paddle through fog, rain and high winds, Linnea reaches out for her friend, wondering if their two distant worlds can possibly relate through a public phone booth. She finds that Christina has been paddling through her own version of fog. In this shared experience, Linnea finds comfort. Christina tells her, "Something very basic is changing. Im at the end of a cycle, and I cant see my way through...like Im in a fog...My life feels like a cold, soaked wetsuit." Linnea is then able to voice her own fears for the first time. "Im still in this internal battle between my absolute determination to take this life journey and the reality of what actually paddling and living in these conditions is doing to my body. Im just physically battering myself. Hour after hour, I push on and keep asking, Why am I doing this? What am I doing?" Christina waited for a moment before responding. "Do you get any answers?" Linnea expresses the connection the trip has bridged for her spiritually and emotionally:"All my life Ive trusted my body...I learn by doing things with my body, by moving until I have insight...I dont know how to do it any other way...This is my only chance...if I give up, if I just go home...Ill lose something important. And I dont even know what that something is because I havent gotten it yet." Christinas insight is capable of moving their friendship to another level, Linnea needs help remembering why the pain of the trip may be worth it. "You must paddle with the questions that will most help you awaken into the next phase of your life...You have left the shore of what you think you know about yourself, your life, your relationships, your direction, your purpose. You must ask God more deeply than you have ever asked: Who do you say that I am? What do you want me to do?" Afterward, Linnea described the conversation as an emergency measure, like the hot shower the night before, when her body was cold through to the bone after The Longest Day. By the end of her journey, Linnea learned to listen to the lakes song. She learned to feel the song inside her and merge it with her own chorus. Together, they create a symphony. With her friend Christina, she moved to Seattle and began a group called PeerSpirit, dedicated to bringing the awareness Linnea found on the lake to everyday life. Linneas journey significantly changed the course of her life, and experiencing it with her is moving for anyone who has questioned their purpose and their very existence. This is one book you may want to read several times in your life. The wisdom gained is extraordinary. Deep Water Passage, Ann Linnea, memoir, available in paperback. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 7, June 18, 1999 |