LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
High CAMP |
by Brent Mundt |
Rudy-Newt Jumble
A contemporary toast to Rita Mae Brown's gay classic Rubyfruit Jungle has been roundly acclaimed a classicwith homo/heroin/lesbian Molly Bolt morphed into the legendary Huckleberry Finn. Rita Mae should be laughing her ass off about howshe couldn't possibly have imagined the fun we'd have with Rudy and Newt when she penned the travails of her iconic gay heroine two decades ago. But yes, Rudy Giuliani has three wives and so does Newt Gingrich. And that's a Rudy-Newt Jumble. (I'd say cluster ____ but this is a family publication) Today, it's Randy Rudy: 3 and Newt's Knots: 3. For those good at math (but barred from matrimony)that's six. With six spouses you get divorces. Tammy Wynette couldn't adapt D-I-V-O-R-C-E lyrics fast enough for these two serial groom-miesters. (Picture their many ex's singing "Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today...and Tuesday...and next Friday and..." ) Yet, these two thrice married rice-showered men have volunteered to stand in the chapel door, just as the racist segregationist Alabama Governor George Wallace stood in the school house door five decades ago. They will prevent you and me from having one measly legal partner. And they aren't your average run-of-the-mill grooms gone wild, mind youone has gay family and one had gay friends. (intentionally past tense.) Both have taken it upon themselves to form GALFPthe opposite of PFLAG. These self-righteous courters of the right wing have voluntarily and fervently pitched one man/one woman rhetoric andwhoopsit turns out they have six wives between them. It's no wonder the rice lobby donates to both of their campaigns. The audacity of dopes. Alert readers will likely remember that Rudy's second wife stepped into the starring role in the Vagina Monologues. But this Rudy Newt Jumble sounds more like the Vaginas Chorus. Let's see nowRandy Rudy looted the gay community for it's money and its votes, all the while sewing some pretty wild oats. In the old days, Rudy painted up his lips and rolled and curled his tinted hair. Rudy was indeed contemplating going out somewhere. It was New York's GAY PRIDE PARADE. Then suddenly, last summer he left his gay friends at the Pride Parade and headed straight to the NASCAR Raceway. How does one go from drag queens to drag races without getting whiplash? Simple. It's called pride, then prejudice. Around that oval track, the reddest of necks and votes are guaranteed, Rush is on the radio and guns are plentiful (although, teeth aren't.) Ahhhh, the south: a place where one could forget two wives, a tight girdle, and gay civil rights. You can make a deal with the devil in Dixiejust ask Da Mayor. Now, Newt knotted himself thrice and then, simply kicked his half sister and full time lesbian, Candace, to the curb. His track record? He delivered the sheet-splitting news to his first wife while she was in the hospital battling breast canceranswering the age old question "who put the I.V. in divorce?" The second Mrs. G? Oh, she got a call on her mother's 80th birthday saying that her Gingrich gig was gonzo. Newt then married a girl in the church choir. The third time's a church charm! And what a love storyshe found herself a beaux. (Something old...something Newt...) Could this be political? Say it isn't so! Could they possibly have abandoned their very own family and friends for political ambition? Could electoral politics have met with colossal matrimonial hypocrisy? Grow up. It's as fake as Larry Craig's bridebeard or Miss California's boob job. Or maybe they just can't count. Whatever the case, Mssrs. Giuliani and Gingrich have collected Mrs.'s across the countryrepeatedly mumbling their vows and jumbling their lovers. So let's play the Rudy Newt Jumble Game, shall we? Get out your pencils, fellow unmarried homosexualshere's to the Mayor of Matrimony and the former Speaker who's hardly mute about one man and one (okay, three) women. And, now down the runway to join the dynamic duo and their six spouses comes one Miss Carrie Prejean. Perky Miss California supports Prop 8. She'll soon discover that Perez Hilton and his homos have nine lives. That's because when your life is trampled by bigots, Miss Prejean, you learn to live nine of themsometimes just for spite, but mostly now waiting for the opportunity for your one legal marriage. So Miss "Carrie-fornia"the Anne Coulter wannabe with store-bought boobs and preaching "opposite marriage" won't find her runner-up-hood very enjoyable. Even if Rush and his rednecks invite her to every gun show and God-apalooza in America, Perez and the paparazzi will make certain she doesn't get away with her awshucks bias. In the dream sequence, Carrie is sentenced to life at the Perpetual Same Sex Prom. But instead of Carrie having telekinetic powers over the prom-goers, it's the SMYAL members who can stare some sense back into her. She, meanwhile, can stand there and learn what real people dolive an out life among very close-minded people. Don't fret, readersit's a dream sequence so you can still hit her with pig's blood if you like. I'm sure Perez will. "Opposite marriage?" We learned a lot about the opposite of marriage from the mastersRudy and Newt. So, all FOUR of you fake boobs can take a long straight walk off of a short gay marriage aisle.Brent Mundt makes a living in Washington and a life in Rehoboth Beach. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 19, No. 04 May 08, 2009 |