LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Just Ask Dave & Paul |
Question: For years, my friends have usually sat on the beach "near the lifeguard stand." This has made it easy to locate our group among the thousands of oily bodies sprawled in the sun. A few weeks ago, however, the lifeguard stand was in a new place and I suddenly became confused. Should I still sit near the stand at its new location, or at the same spot on the beach where the stand used to be? Answer: Just a century ago, science could provide no answer to your dilemma. But fortunately, since the advent of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, we at last have the analytical framework with which to approach fundamental questions such as yours. Even with this breakthrough, however, there remains controversy among theorists, and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle has shown that we can never be certain of exactly where we should position ourselves and the speed at which we should arrive. This is particularly true at the sub-atomic and after-hours levels. First, you must recognize that there may be no single right answer. There are alternative theories, and alternative realities, and you must choose which one you want to live in. The first theory is relativism, and it's sociological counterpart, "cultural relativism." This theory holds that all human knowledge, indeed all human thought, is ultimately a creation of the human mind and social conditioning. Hard to believe though it may be, these theorists hold that even such questions as whether light is a wave or a particle, or whether Cher's new album is her best or merely one of her best, are purely a matter of opinion. A cultural relativist would approach your dilemma entirely with reference to those around him. Has the center of social gravity moved down the beach with the lifeguards? Have the bright lights of the super-divas and the accompanying clusters of air kisses now shifted to a new orbit? If so, you may wish to apply the First Law of Thermos Dynamics and go where the drinks are. Position yourself within this developing system, and hope that the magnetism of a few great stars will reestablish at this new spot the same familiar galaxy you once called home. The alternative theory is Absolutism. No, it is not based on the highly-advertised and over-priced vodka, but on the idea that through reason and reflection people can discover the Truth about what is best for them. The Absolutist's bearings are fixed firmly on the distant horizons of the boardwalk and the sea. He is not grounded in the opinions of the people around him, but in the Timeless Truths revealed at the core of One's Being. Obviously, this approach can make you seem like a pompous New Age bore. But you won't care, because you'll know where you are in the world, and where you'll stayexactly 90 meters south of the storm sewer outlet. And you'll stay there come rip tide or high tide or throngs of thongs. Which of these theories is correct I cannot say. For that we must await the coming of a Social Einstein to reveal the Unified Theory of Principled Social Interaction. But by then, global warming may have raised the sea level, and the choicest spot on the beach will be in the McDonald's parking lot in Denton. Paul Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Now I recall why I fell asleep in philosophy classall those lofty academic debates and no definitive answers. Paul, it might be easier for you to determine where to sit on the beach if you weren't perched on the moon with a pair of cheap binoculars. The answer is really quite simple. Like cattle, we tend to return to the same trough day after day. Beach towel placement is no exception. We select a spot on the beach based on simple and obvious pleasures: the feel of water lapping against our toes, the sight of hot men draped arm-in-arm, the sounds of a distant volleyball game, or the ease of purchasing junk food. After careful consideration, we determine how to maximize these pleasures and plunk down. Fortunately, our friends are likely to select the same general spot since similarity breeds liking. So in answer to the question, just follow your feet. They'll lead you right back to where you used to sit, and right back to your group of friends. But if by chance I'm wrong, just follow the biggest set of footprints in the sand. There's bound to be a simple and obvious pleasure at the end of that trail. Dave Between the two of them, Dave and Paul practice psychology and law in the mid-Atlantic region. In this column, they will ludicrously attempt to apply the latest in scientific research and philosophical analysis (and maybe even some common sense) to problems of life at the beach. Your questions are welcome and may be sent to: daveandpaul@hotmail.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 11, Aug. 13, 1999 |