LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Just Ask Dave & Paul |
Question: I sometimes hear people say things like, "Hes developing such an attitude," or "Theyve got too much attitude for me." What exactly is "attitude" anyway? Answers: You have stumbled upon one of the great riddles of gay life at the beach. Much like those timeless questions: "If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a noise?" or "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" or "Who lists the A-list?" this question can silence the mind and render all rational thought impossible. But lets try anyway. The dictionary might help. Presuming its one of those weekends when people are not wearing tutus and doing pirouettes on the dance floor, we can rule out Websters definition number 4: "a ballet position similar to the arabesque in which the raised leg is bent at the knee." That leaves definition 1, 2 and 3, all of which have to do with arranging ones body or mind in a position that renders it ready to take some sort of action. The root of these meanings comes from attitudes near-synonym, "posture," which is used by anthropologists to describe the behavior of our ancient ancestors. When under threat, our furry forebears would position their bodies, spears in hand, either to attack or to defend themselves. They would cock their ears to the jungle wind to listen for the war drums of a neighboring tribe or beach house. Psychologists have expanded the definition to include purely mental predispositions to like or dislike certain things. Psychologists have also proven through careful experimentation on both rats and humans that attitudes can be changed. For example, an attitude can be changed from negative to positive by giving the subject additional information about a disliked object, or pairing the object repeatedly with reinforcers, such as food, drink, or access to sexual partners. Such training has even been known to overcome such otherwise aversive stimuli as the vague odor of a septic tank or three repetitions in one night of the dance mega-hit "Unspeakable Joy." As the examples in your question suggest, in the gay community the notion of attitude has developed a negative connotation. It refers to a predisposition to dislike new people who are interested in meeting you, and in extreme cases, to act in a way that makes them feel inferior or inadequate. No question, there are guys who begin with the assumption that any new person they encounter is sure to fall far below their high standards for friendship, or even for a chat on the beach. This is especially true if the new-comer doesnt pass their First Impression Test: physical attractiveness. Such guys never find out about the many interesting people who, if given a chance, could add immeasurably to their lives. Finally, it should be noted that attitude, like beauty, is often in the eyes of the beholder. No one should expect strangers to read your mind and strike up a conversation; sometimes you have to make the first move. Of course, it helps if they let you know youre welcome by giving you a second glance or a little smile. But many guys-particularly good looking ones-have learned to adopt a continuous cold shoulder, because gestures of simple friendliness are misconstrued as invitations to sex. How much richer life would be if everyone valued great conversations as much as one-night-stands, and made meeting interesting people as high a priority as bagging tricks. Maybe we could ban attitude in certain places, just like restaurants have smoking and non-smoking sections. I propose that Rehoboths famous beach house lawn parties be declared "Attitude-free Zones" where people can mingle and network in a friendly atmosphere and just relax and have a good time. -Paul Dream on, Paul, you starry-eyed idealist. Why dont you throw the first lawn party without attitude, and just to be safe, dont invite any good-looking guys. Youll save a lot on vodka. Although I dont believe Webster ever attended a circuit party, his contribution to the definition of "attitude" is remarkably on point. I think the ancient roots of attitude show that it will be with us for a long time to come. Lets face it: Guys with attitude are displaying feelings of superiority. Their displays or "postures" are designed to establish their position in the social hierarchy and protect them from losing their treasured assets. While attitude isnt always about looks (it can be about cars, or money, or beach houses, or jobs) in the gay community the treasured assets are often physical. Whats the threat of talking to a less attractive guy? It involves more than simply disliking new people, or worrying that your friendliness might be taken as flirting. Bottom line: its all about social "cooties." We define our own value, at least in part, in reference to those around us. Like a chameleon, were afraid we might become less "cool" or attractive to our friends if they see us talking to an uncool or unattractive guy. But it doesnt always work out that way. Just ask Julia Roberts. -Dave |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 9, July 16, 1999 |