LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Gay 'n Gray |
by John Siegfried |
The Mommas and the Poppas
We've just passed the universal All-American recognition dayMother's Day. Father's Day gets short shrift by comparison but all of usmale, female, gay and straightcan't escape Hallmark at this time of year. I've always been amazed that my barber has a license to cut my hair, a cab driver must be licensed to drive a cab, but the most important job in the world, being a parent, requires no special training or licensure. All it requires is a roll in the hay, an evening of bliss, or a defective condom. Mubarak Dahir in his April 6 column in Letters, "Don't Push Kids On Me," was very clear (and to his credit) that he did not want to be a father, despite the mounting pressure he felt in the gay and lesbian community toward parenthood. But not wanting to be a parent isn't a uniquely gay perspective. My guess is that being a parent breaks down to 1) those who want to be parents, 2) those who accept the responsibility of being parents with varying degrees of excitementalthough parenting was never their top priority in lifeand 3) those, like Dahir, who are clear that this is a fate worse than death and definitely not for them. Unfortunately, in the straight world some Dahirs still end up being parents. In the gay and lesbian world achieving parenthood is a more arduous adventure and is by choice. While there are no accurate statistics on how many children live with gay or lesbian parents, the 1990 census reported that, among gays and lesbians who were living as couples, 5% of the men and 22% of the women reported children in their household. Most of these were from prior heterosexual relationships. And if you focus on the gray and gay set perhaps an even higher percentage of men and women have children, primarily from prior heterosexual relationships, although the children are now adults and not reported in the "living with" category of the census. A New York Times article several months ago featured an aspect of gay parenting that I'd never thought of. It was titled, "O.K., You're Gay. So? Where's My Grandchild?" and it focused on the disappointment parents feel when they learn their child is gay or lesbian. The disappointment is generated not by news of the individual's sexual orientation, but by the perception that this revelation dooms them to a life without grandchildren. Gradually, that perception is changing. A 1995 report from the American Psychological Association concluded, "Not a single study has found children of gay and lesbian parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents." And with Will & Grace and Queer as Folk giving TV life to the gay parenting possibilitiesartificial insemination, surrogate motherhood, single or dual parent adoptionmore gays and straights are taking notice. The legal climate is also changing and while state laws vary, and three states (Florida, Mississippi and Utah) do not allow same sex couple adoption, the overwhelming trend has been to recognize the rights of gay parents. Now let's face it. Kids are a pain in the ass! They always want more than you can give. They disrupt your schedule, alter your priorities, deplete your resources and by age two know every trick imaginable to deflate your ego and get exactly what they want. But as a father of three, and grandfather of four, I know of no experience that is more challenging, more rewarding, and more satisfying than parenting in the long haul. In the short haul it can be murder. I used to thinkno, I didn't think, I was brainwashed to acceptthat the requisite for adoption was Ozzie and Harriet, a dog and a rancher in the suburbs. I frowned on adoption to anything less than the ideal American couple. My experience has changed that view. My sister, ten years older than me, has helped to bring more than a score of children from Colombian orphanages into the U.S. for private adoption by American families. She had worked in rural Colombia for twenty years as a nurse-midwife and was fluent in Spanish. Four of those kids I've watched grow to adulthood in a family that would never have made it through the standard adoption agency screening. I've seen my niece, as a single mom, adopt an infant girl from India through a church group. It took five years and cost her more than $10,000 of her own hard earned money. And despite initial developmental concerns, that child is now in third grade and doing fine. My single daughter, Kathy, is in the process of adopting Tami, a 3 year old on the Caribbean Island of Nevis where Kathy works. None of these adoptions meet my old ideal, but I'm completely aware that, ideal or not, in the absence of adoption most of these kids would be dead. The Colombian children are a golden tan, the Indian child is dark brown, and Tami is black. As I see this rainbow coalition of kids and their families I often recall a song from my childhood Sunday School days: Jesus loves the little children / All the children of the world/ Red and yellow, black and white / They are precious in his sight / Jesus loves the little children of the world. It's simplistic and you can put any religious, or non-religious, spin on it that you want, but the message is still right on. Kids are precious, whatever their color. So, Mubarak Dahir is right. Don't become a parent because you feel pushed, when you know it's not for you. But, for those who can stomach the mess and choose to invest in the life of a childthe rewards are enormous. My experience has changed that view. John Siegfried, a retired association executive, resides in Rehoboth Beach and Ft. Lauderdale. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 5, May 18, 2001 |